Family life in Hà Nội and a mother's heart.Part VIII · pages 110–124

110Printed page 110VHI Returning to Hanoi the year before, at the end of the next year you gave birth to Dũng. Our family scene became even happier, the green trees sprouted more leaves. Two girls, two boys, the older sister looked after the younger, the younger sometimes teased the older, then sometimes they teased each other, laughter mixed with crying, plus the sound of them calling out to dad and telling on mom, I thought there was no more peaceful music for us.

Living the life of a civil servant, I often found it too calm, we often discussed doing business, like when we were in Vĩnh-Yên. To do business, one must have capital, whether a lot or a little, but where could we find capital at this time! Every evening I taught our children, you sat sewing or knitting nearby, and sometimes I wrote prose or poetry. The prose and poetry, I would read to you, you would smile or praise to please me, although many times engrossed in your knitting, or playing with the little child, I would read, and you would listen but not pay attention.

The debt for the bicycle we gradually paid off, and luckily, I received tens of thousands of bạc in retroactive pay for uninterrupted public service allowance. That amount of money at the time was quite large, the idea of doing business returned to us and we decided to implement it.

111Printed page 111We started to get to know Mr. Vũ-văn-Tường, owner of the Vô-Tư printing house. Mr. Tường was also the editor-in-chief of the Vô-Tư weekly newspaper. His business was not very prosperous.

He closed the newspaper and he intended to transfer the house v _. He was not very skilled in printing, but before you came back, Mr. Nhụ told him the interesting things h in the printing trade, so when Mr. Tường wanted to sell the machine, he immediately thought of opening a printing house m.

We only had forty thousand bạc, how could that small amount of money allow us to open a printing house, even though machinery at that time was not expensive, a small old pedal machine ._ Ghỉ had to be bought for 2,0008, and an 8 . page machine only cost around 15,0008. _ Yet we managed to open the printing house. We invited Mr. and Mrs. Xuyên to join us. We achieved our intention, but later we struggled with the printing house. Mr. and Mrs. Xuyên worked with us for a few months, - they saw there wasn't much profit and withdrew their capital, leaving us to manage. At first, business was quite good, Ö -but later we were owed money by customers, we got into debt ourselves, and those creditors tormented us in every way. Both of us suffered, but perhaps you suffered more. The creditors didn't talk to me, they only insulted you.

There was Mrs. Huyện Kỷ, because she was too harsh with you, it made me angry, swear, and curse.

112Printed page 112Ò, -H2 During this period we were truly miserable.

Misfortunes never come singly, already in debt, I also received a summons to go far away, I absolutely refused to go, choosing to quit my job. Our family fell into extreme destitution. This period also lasted quite long, nearly three years.

While we were in such hardship, you gave birth to Nga. So we had 5 children. That year you were 27 years old. Raising Nga was truly difficult, there was nothing to eat or drink, even breast milk was not enough, had to buy formula for the child to eat. Eating formula, because of much deficiency sinh tổ, Nga became stunted and couldn't grow. Our other children also suffered.

In the morning, each child couldn't get even one bạc's worth of sticky rice, they had to buy three 2$ packets to share. As for Dũng, he was even more pitiful, normally he would drink five or six cups of milk a day, but then he had no milk to drink.

Every morning to deceive the children, we had to feed them bread with sugared tea. They ate it, but - they grew thin, grew slowly, no longer plump as before. mm"

At this time, we had moved to the house at number 15 street .

Trần-Nhân-Tôn. When we first moved in, everyone told us that in this house, no one could do any business. - This was a haunted place, with ghosts.

We didn't believe, we believed in our hard work, and we hoped our printing house would prosper, the printing house we named 'thằng Tuần, Minh-Tuần printing house.

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114Printed page 114Having suffered together like that, having had such bitter memories together, now that you are no longer here, how can I forget you, especially at this moment when we are starting to worry less about finances.

Suffering is suffering, but we, especially you, always pitied those who suffered more, and whenever we had the chance, we never missed an opportunity to help people; later, with creditors who had made us suffer, like Mrs. Huyện Kỷ, we also had the chance to repay kindness for resentment, and helped her more than once. While we were suffering and in need like that, one time we only had 25$ left in the house and hadn't gone to the afternoon market yet, but when two brothers, one of whom had just returned from resettlement, came to tell us about their pitiful situation, having been hungry since morning, without a single penny, you didn't hesitate to give them 20$, keeping only 5$ to buy a few bunches of water spinach for the afternoon! You said: 'We suffer, but it's nothing compared to them. Let's just eat rice and vegetables, it's better than seeing others starve.'

115Printed page 115Every time we were able to help someone, both of us were delighted. I remember the year Ất Dậu, when famine was rampant because the Japanese and French colluded to hoard harvests, we both discussed and agreed to give alms to anyone who came to our door; the alms for each person weren't much, but we never refused anyone.

We often talked; 'If Heaven allows us to help people, then we can help,' just as with opportunities to do good deeds or to get rich; 'Only if Heaven allows it, can it happen.'

We always taught our children to do good, and whenever there was an opportunity to do good for them to follow our example, we never missed it. So many times, later, people knocked on our door because they were travelers asking for help; you never refused, and many times you were tricked in the act of doing good.

Recently, a man came with a prescription saying his child was seriously ill and needed emergency care, he was short a few hundred to buy medicine, and asked you for a loan. You didn't hesitate to lend him the money and said:

'This money, if you have it, you can pay it back; otherwise, I'll consider it a gift to help you.'

116Printed page 116He replied:

'I'm borrowing it, I'm not asking for charity! I'll bring it back to you this afternoon.'

He said that, but that afternoon and even the following afternoons, he never returned. You recounted it to our children, and they laughed, saying you had been tricked. You said: 'Mother helped someone who was short of money to buy medicine for their seriously ill child. Mother didn't help a trickster, so how could Mother be tricked?'

You added:

'If someone tricks us, they bear the sin; seeing a situation worthy of help, we must help.' You also advised our children, if you encounter a situation worthy of doing good, then do it, even if doing good means being tricked, it's better than missing an opportunity to help someone.

One time, about three or four years ago, when a newspaper still sold for two đồng, one day a newspaper boy was crying profusely while hawking papers. You called to buy a paper and asked why he was crying. The newspaper boy said that someone bought a 2$ newspaper, told him to give back 98$ to get a 100$ bill. The boy took out almost all his money, even 98$; unexpectedly, when he handed the money to the buyer, they ran off, taking both the 98$ and the newspaper, and didn't give him the 100$ bill. You felt sorry for the newspaper boy, and you gave him another 100$.

That time your children also thought you had been tricked, but you just smiled and told them:

117Printed page 117- "It's okay if Mother is tricked! Anyway, Mother's $100 also made the little newspaper seller happy." Your children concluded: "Mother just often pities people!"

After the newspaper seller, came the little ice cream seller. This child was truly pitiful, carrying ice cream to sell, unsold ice cream melted into water almost completely. The child came and invited you to buy ice cream and clearly explained their situation. The melted ice cream meant a loss, tomorrow they would run out of capital to trade. The child also cried. You asked the little ice cream seller the capital amount for the melted ice cream, and gave this child some money. This time you seemed to boast to your children, they didn't laugh at you like every other time, on the contrary, they thought you had given the little ice cream seller too little money. One of them said:

- "Mother, how can that much be enough for them!"

Your children learned your virtue of doing good, and many times I saw them also doing good deeds like you, helping those in need, even if the help wasn't much.

Today you are no longer here, who will guide and lead the children, especially the three youngest, on the path of doing good! Without Mother, they lack all gentle love, soft guidance... I also love them, but a mother's love is what easily penetrates a child's heart!

We suffered with the printing house, suffered materially and struggled spiritually. Debts, shortages, then day after day you were always in the typesetting room, when needed you also typeset, then when printing books you sat and fed paper. Thinking back, I shiver again.

118Printed page 118After two years of failure due to lack of experience, because we weren't strict with the workers, capital ran out, many debts, we were forced to sell the printing house to pay debts and find other livelihoods.

- "We were out of debt, but we were also out of money."

We had to move to a smaller house, and with the little money left we had to temporarily arrange things to wait for brighter days! Brighter days would come to us because when things reach an impasse, they open up, but while waiting, we went through an even more terrible period of worry. We were living at house number 17 Mai-hắc-Đế street, Hà-Nội. We had spent our very last bit of money.

I remember so well, that day, you gave me the ornament, the souvenir ornament, for me to sell. We looked at each other, though we didn't speak, we had the same thought: "After spending all the money from selling the ornament, how will we live with five children!" How lucky it was, just as we had almost spent all the money from selling the golden ornament, my lawsuit against Phủ Thủ Hiền Bắc-Việt at the Administrative Court concluded. I won the lawsuit and was able to go back to work.

I won the lawsuit but going back to work wasn't easy. Mr. Đồng-Lý, the Head of Office for Mr. Thủ-Hiến P.V, B, who was L.V.H, took 10 lạng of gold from me, only then signing the decree for me to go back to work, otherwise he would order an appeal, and thus the lawsuit would drag on, and our family would starve.

119Printed page 119Only in adversity do you know who is good and who is bad. Mr. H. demanded money, what money did we have. We discussed going to borrow money with interest, but from whom, and who would trust us enough to lend! We were so grateful to anh Tý when he himself agreed to borrow money for us. Unable to borrow money, he took gold from his wife's shop and gave it to us.

Thanks to anh Tý's 10 lạng of gold, my return to work was settled, and although we had to contribute to pay off debts, we were at peace with the monthly salary, even if it wasn't abundant, it was enough. That was the end of 1952, we had been married for 13 years. Escaping the debt crisis, we considered it escaping the abyss. It was while we were running the printing house that I received news that my father, then my mother, had died in the rear. Truly, misfortunes never come singly! When I heard my father died, I cried, then when my mother died, I cried even more, but my dear, though tears flowed from missing my parents, I gradually calmed down! Today, with you gone, my sorrow grows stronger each day, I don't just cry for you for a moment or a day, even now, on the 42nd day, your lục thất week, thinking of you, the emotion is even stronger. and I couldn't hold —HHEƑỬ““ẰNNNộẹẶNẶNẠNợNợNợNợNợợăẶ.ợgngngngnwœ-œ-.-.-. .mwaww back my tears. Thirty years living together, thirty years loving each other, thirty years sharing a bed, thirty years sharing hardships and enjoying joys, how could I ever forget!

120Printed page 120- "A civil servant, I returned to civil service life, and I was still able to work in Hà-Nội as before."

We gradually paid off the debt of ten taels of gold from F anh Tý, and it seemed that after extreme hardship, heaven also granted us a period of more luck. We lived more easily than before, besides our salaries, thanks to our connections we met people who helped us so we occasionally earned some profit. No longer worried about money, our family's situation was also less difficult. Our eldest daughter passed Primary School, transferring from Saint Paul school to Ste Marie school. Hạnh and Tuần also made good progress in their studies. That Tết, after several miserable Tết holidays at the printing house, a joyful and beautiful Tết returned to us.

After Tết, in March, you gave birth to Hưng, so we had six children. Your fate was truly difficult, all your life you never stopped worrying about making a living, just a little bit of relief . . then busy raising children! : ..ò You raised our children so skillfully, caring for them every little bit, raising every child you bore, and today after eleven births, all eleven children are healthy by God's grace, at your funeral all eleven were fortunate enough to see their mother's face one last time before the shrouding.

121Printed page 121Raising Hưng was not difficult at all, he ate and he grew, and the house was already crowded with six young children.

Sundays were the happiest days of the week. In the morning we woke up together, while you tidied and cleaned the house, I rode my bicycle to buy bread and cold cuts, when I returned, the water was just boiled, you made milk, we and the children had breakfast very happily. The morning was joyful with the children, then around 9 or 10 o'clock we entertained ourselves with games of mahjong, sometimes winning, sometimes losing. The two of us either played together or took turns, each playing for a few hours!

Our house began to be decorated, the children's clothes were sufficient, not as lacking as when we were at the printing house.

I remember, when we were struggling financially, you cut up your áo dài to make clothes for the children, you only took your own clothes, when I offered my clothes, you never accepted, and you told me I needed enough clothes because I still had to go out.

That year was the year Quý-Ty, 1953. Life began to be more stable and abundant. That Tết, our family was happier than the year before, and you bought rice and meat to wrap bánh chưng. You said we had worked hard for so long, we also deserved to enjoy a Tết to make up for the years of hardship!

You were truly skillful! Dozens of bánh chưng, ` -—=————-.-..N.Z.ẻErgET..aGắe.eẻéẽearẻrwmwm you made them yourself, from boiling beans, washing leaves, soaking rice, to cooking the cakes, not to mention going to the market for Tết shopping. I couldn't help you with anything, just as I never helped you with any housework.

122Printed page 122Every time we cleaned the house, or rearranged the furniture, I would find an excuse to disappear, only returning home when you had finished arranging and tidying up! You understood me like that, you never . -expected anything from me, every time you cleaned the house or rearranged the furniture! When I came home, you would happily show me, leading me here, pulling me there, asking for my opinion.

I had no opinion, and I always agreed with you. You were both skillful, hardworking, and had an artistic eye, so when arranging the house, with very simple furniture, you still made it look elegant and polite. That Tết Quý-Ty, we had a big Tết, big for us, though there was nothing but the dozens of bánh chưng you had wrapped. Each child also got a new set of clothes, and our children, compared to children from other families, were not as disadvantaged as in previous years. You loved the children very much, every Tết, you would worry about their clothes, even if the two of us had nothing, for the children, you would try to get each of them a new set of clothes.

Although happiness never left us, that Tết we felt happier and were content with what we had.

123Printed page 123On the morning of the first day of Tết, you woke up early to prepare offerings to worship our ancestors, and a string of firecrackers exploded to welcome Spring.

The prosperity that was absent in previous Tết holidays had returned to our family.

My dear, this year Tết has come again, people are bustling to welcome the Spring of Canh-Tuất, while I sit alone at the table you arranged for me to write these lines in memory of you! Tết comes again every year, the memories of our Tết holidays over thirty years of living together are still imprinted in my mind, your gentle image is still etched in my mind, but my dear, where are you now! Missing and loving you, I feel the house is emptier and emptier, and I miss you even more.

Every year passes, Tết returns, Spring comes again, but Tết returns and Spring comes, and only, we are separated by life and death, what meaning do Tết and Spring hold for us, if not just a personal irony for me! The year Quý-Ty was not as harsh for us as previous years. I went to work, you took care of housework and the children, debts were no more, occasionally we earned some money, and you saved it to : prepare for future financial difficulties. Not long after Hưng was born, you were pregnant again! One child after another, no one could refuse! But actually ._ seeing the good news, we were also a bit daunted! Your fate, how busy it was, just raising children and raising children if not for debts!

You told me:

- If Heaven has mercy, who knows! I'm not worried about having enough to eat or enough to raise the children. What I fear most are pressing debts.

Indeed, the more troubles there were, the more you loved them, and your love, the more it was divided among many troubles, the more it seemed to increase, while for me, the love and affection also grew stronger, and the more time passed, the more our lives were bound tightly together.

At this time, you also wanted to decorate the house more than before, you also bought some more furniture for both the inner and outer rooms.

That year you were 31, I was 40. We had been married for 14 years. We stood on our own feet. We created our own happiness, although there were many times of hardship and suffering.

In March, you gave birth to Thắng. We had seven children. When Thắng was born, you also bled a little, but it wasn't dangerous. Just like previous times, I took you to the maternity hospital, and waited until you had given birth, and only when you and the baby were safe did I return home.

When Thắng was born, he kept his eyes closed for three days straight.

We were a little worried and you said: - If he can't open his eyes, people will gossip that we lived immorally, which is why we gave birth to a blind child.

- Our child is not blind, three days later he opened his eyes and this year he is 16 years old. When you just died, he was also in the hospital, he cried for you a lot, his head slumped against the wall calling for mother Ì. At your funeral, he was in pain, but he also partly fulfilled his filial duty to you. His classmates were led by the supervising teacher to the cemetery to form a guard of honor to welcome your coffin.

124Printed page 124Those who attended the funeral praised you for being blessed, at your death all your children were present, and there was even a guard of honor to welcome the coffin!

Someone looked at the funeral wreaths ` and said: l _~ If her spirit is wise and sacred, she must be at peace, all her children have a future. Her child has a brother studying medicine, that's why there are these wreaths... , l + a3 mm" — Year 1954! The Battle of Điện-Biên-Ihủ was progressing, : in Hà-Nội everyone was abuzz with the Gecnève conference.