Business failures and simple family joysPart X · pages 139–153

139Printed page 139You didn't trade anymore. Our fate, born by heaven, was not to trade; getting involved in commerce, if not losing money in buying and selling, then being cheated to l xiếng Hểng, like the time we opened a printing house in Hà-Nội, as well as your current trip to carry goods.

Well then, we were happy with our fate, you stayed home to raise the children and I just plodded along as a civil servant.

All money was gone, whatever we had, we sold clean, _ but the love between us, the more hardship, the more poverty, the more it seemed to multiply. We felt we had to love each other to create happiness for our children, taking joy from our children; the bustling flock of children gathering around comforted us and helped us forget all failures and financial losses!

The year Bính-Thân passed, it was truly a year of cơn khi, too much for us. We welcomed the Tết Đinh-Dậu › with so much hope, we prayed that the new year would bring all good fortune, we would pay off all debts , from the year Thân.

The Year of the Rooster was a conflicting year for us, throughout the year although we didn't encounter anything annoying, truly we didn't have anything called good luck!

140Printed page 140-iáU .

- To forget the current difficult circumstances, day after day I wrote books and composed poetry, and you, you raised the children and took care of the housework. Occasionally for entertainment, we played a few small games of mahjong, winning or losing __ not much, but; it helped? us be happy, .„ Mahjong helped phíng us forget the suffering, but: I had to be by your side! Now that you are gone, I am sad, I miss you and wanting to distract myself I also go to seek oblivion - in mạ(-chược, but I cannot forget, my dear! In the mahjong game, all are people who knew you, all, people who had played cards with eini, seeing them I remember you. Going with each ._ person, the opinion of cín tt sa, you still quietly spoke to .me! Seeing them, I: again heard, faintly in my ears your words, and your observations, so truly correct † And each time I came home from playing cards, you were always ready to wait for me to take care of me, making the children prepare rice or c1n yourself would go make food. Then I sat and ate, you sat and watched, rnón ãnxinh praised the delicious food cin showed joy. We chirped talking to each other about the - _ high and low hands, you teased me, praised me about the - games. 1. 4 Just like when nhùng you came home from playing cards, you showed off your hand right from the door, then for the games you won, you called the children to give them money, what a joyful scene! Today it's no longer there! How can you still wait for me each time I come home from playing, the high and low hands I still know how to tell áđ, and cên when I get to hear - your chirping words Ì Also, they also _ -no longer have the loving mother to distribute | money to them, to lun food for them to eat and to buy snacks each time you came home from the market! And the two grandchildren, Bê and Bí, worked hard waiting for Grandma, little did they know Grandma had passed away! They always l reminded Grandma to make cakes chơ them an, and our children ' on each child's birthday reminded us again: ` - Mom, today mỹ đủ lăn for me a "Birthday cake!"

141Printed page 141—— Are you still here † At ñn meal I still keep next to me your bowl, chopsticks at your seat, and at each meal Bê reminds me of Grandma's bowl! The grandchild's soft words, how bitter they make me feel.

ˆ Remembering the old meals when you were still here, you only sat in a corner of the table, but, the seat was spacious for me and ` the children, Each time cn brought up many dishes, you ' happily: looked without 'cun ủH, nh And the children invited you to eat, you shook your head telling everyone to go ahead and eat, then when + everyone finished eating;r côn then you ate the leftovers if there were any, if not then that was it. I asked you, you just smiled. Sometimes you `— said: _= Seeing me and the children eat well, I yield l ._ You always sacrificed everything for your husband and children.

At the meal, seeing your husband and children eat well, you were satisfied. Just like every year when Tết came, you only worried about preparing clothes for the | children, as for yourself, you didn't pay much attention to your own clothes. I understand there was a period when you only had two sets of clothes to change at home and two áo dài to change to wear outside † Your clothes were few but you dressed skillfully so you always looked nÌìự dự đật and elegant.

142Printed page 142——„ We still often nai to each other: _„“ We have many children, cỗt lủm suo for them here đu ! ì You were always worried about the children, each time one of them was sick you devotedly cared for them, as for yourself, you didn't pay attention to your own illness, and also because of this negligence, you neglected yourself. You, your stomach pain was not severe, but you did not ciny treat it thoroughly, I and ._ the children urged you, cn háo already had medicine, then the illness .developed complications, causing địu blood vessels in the stomach which led to your passing, I still feel angry at Grall Hospital, why when you first entered they didn't operate on you immediately, they let you lie for two days until all the blood was gone, you were exhausted, only then did they think about surgery! It was too late! You were gone, they killed you!

Returning to the year Định-Dậu, we quietly lived : ._ a happy family life. Nămt because you were not busy with childbirth, but busy Ío Ird nợ xIẾ ni ñìn hợ hơi vấn you again gave birth to Chiiu, (húy-Chủu whom you loved immensely and you were also proud because it resembled you somewhat.

You conceived Châu in the year Dậu and gave birth to it . I in the year Tuất. We truly had many children, you were also skilled at giving birth, and raising children rững vô sùng kho léo, : © — Remembering the beginning of œñu Mậu-Tuối, nh there was an opening poem | _ Mận-Tuất tuân nàp I am forty-four, | Young no longer young, strength still đt: _ ' Giving birth year after year, đồng HÌà cửa, Literary work for lust crowded, án thư. l . The sound of phúa (/lang-Chản âm lỗi xóm, Lý, Đồ poetry fills the courtyard . : Củn tuân, vàn đến côn khai búi, cà Tuải mới nhự mình há chữa !

143Printed page 143Giving birth year after year is your work, côn writing lustful sentences is my work. I wrote a lot, published many books, but chu until three months before you died, I had not dedicated any book to you and also rarely dedicated books to anyone, except for the book PHONG TỤC VIỆT- | NAM respectfully dedicated to luương hón my Parents and the book -— TINH THÂN TRỌNG NGHĨA PHLƯỜNGi-DÔNG which I lovingly dedicated to the children. . l It wasn't until we celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary Xòng, that I had a book to give you, . the book CẮM CA VIET-NAM. In this book, I dedicated it to you: *Aển tặng hiển thê to commemorate our thirtieth wedding anniversary”. You knew about the dedication, but until the day you died, the book had only just begun printing 16 -_ pages, and until today the book is still not finished printing.

-You did not: get to see the book when it was sunny, nh I had to -1AÁ- worship you when the book was printed. It is also something that makes me sad, having spent a lifetime writing a book for my wife, the book was not yet born and my wife was already gone.

144Printed page 144Remembering when you were alive, my books, you rarely read.

It's not that you criticized but you were busy all day, where would you find the time to read research and collection books thoroughly.

You only read novels like KỶ-VÃNG, l NẾP XƯA or short stories like PHONG LƯU ĐÔNG RUỘNG and TRONG LŨY TRE XANH. The collection l TINH THẦN TRỌNG NGHĨA PHƯƠNG ĐÔNG I gave to the children, you also read through, and you had a very accurate opinion about the essay Ngon lửa tự thiêu. You criticized me for not fully expressing the spirit of profound righteousness in this essay, but only conveying more hatred:

Your criticism was very correct!

From now on, where are you for me to occasionally read my poems, my story collections to you, and when will I ever hear your discussions again! You are lost, I have lost everything, lost even the most precious thing in the field of creation to build a career.

In the year Mậu-Tuất you gave birth to Châu, Châu hadn't grown up yet, the next year you gave birth to Đạt. Just giving birth and raising children was enough hardship for your whole life, what else could there be! Thirty years we lived together, twenty years you were busy giving birth, raising children and worrying about debts after being cheated! The remaining ten years were also years of hardship, _ taking care of the family, worrying about your husband and the children, yet heaven cruelly took your life! So many others, heartless and ungrateful, cheating husbands and harming children. Why do they keep being happy, chíng: also càng thổi với eh, sờ while you were so unlucky! If you had moments of happiness, that was only spiritual happiness, happiness in the harmony of husband and wife, happiness hearing the children chirping around their mother. The children love their mother very much, some look at their mother's picture and tear up. Missing you, they often seek out Thanh. Có & tua niưười hắc, they have | seen the pì nhảng phất hình ¡nh their beloved mother. =——— In the year Mậu-Tuất, Uyên passed the Baccalaureate, both French Baccalaureate and Vietnamese Baccalaureate; we were very happy, the effort of raising children had begun to bear fruit. The next year, Hạnh and Tuân both passed secondary school. Raising children, we hope for them to succeed, their initial results not only brought joy to us, but also promised us a lot of hope for them in the future. It's not that we hope - — will rely on them, but who doesn't want their children to succeed, and the day children succeed is the day of glory for parents. That day of glory, my dear, you saw it but couldn't fully enjoy it. Uyên has passed the College of Economics, Dũng has studied his third year (University of Medicine, just a few more years, maybe one will get a PhD, one a Doctor and in their graduation ceremonies, parents will be invited to witness. At that time, you will no longer be there!

146Printed page 146Was it your fate to be born only to give birth and raise children, until the children were about to succeed, Heaven cruelly rushed to take you away! After giving birth to Châu, the next year you gave birth to Đạt. This was our last child! That year you were 36 years old. At just 16 years old you already had 11 children _ you truly had many children. The elders say: One child - "one asset, no one refuses! But with a flock of children, with a year's worth of money for a house, we had been worried for a long time, and that worry turned into panic. If this continued, we would have to have up to 17, 18 children! What would we take to raise and build them into proper people. _ The time you were pregnant with Đạt, we had a bold decision: You had your tubes tied to stop giving birth, you had to sacrifice for the not-so-prosperous situation of the family, this tubal ligation was also encouraged by some friends.

You gave birth to Đạt at Từ Dũ maternity hospital.

At that time we couldn't hire help, while you went to give birth, we had to ask the old woman from Tấn's house to come and help look after things. You went to give birth at Từ Dũ maternity hospital because there you knew Dr. Ái, the care of the maternity hospital was also careful. How pitiful for you, that right when you were undergoing surgery to tie your tubes, there was no one at home, none of your children came to be with their mother, only I went in and out two or three times a day before or " -ồẻö.—— ừừ.ừ..ẹ..ựyaow00xwxw" after working hours. That afternoon, when I came in, your hands and feet were tied to the bed frame. You had undergone the surgery, and because there was no one at home to look after you, the maternity hospital feared you would move and disturb the wound, so they tied your hands and feet! When I came in, you were awake, you told me to untie your hands and feet but because I didn't know how, I didn't dare to untie them. You pleaded with me, but „ it wasn't until the nurse came and I asked, that I untied you. This last childbirth, you truly suffered. The surgical site occasionally caused you discomfort later, and this surgery itself also affected your health.

You stayed at the maternity hospital for nearly 20 days in total. I was the one who picked you up and brought you home in our old car. Back home, you didn't get to rest for long, you had to worry about managing household chores, and taking care of the children.

You loved the children very much, you never hit them, when they made mistakes, even if very angry, you only scolded them. You also didn't want me to hit the children. Every time one of them made a mistake and I hit them, you would make an angry face.

You often recounted stories of when you were little and had to be beaten: many times you were beaten very unreasonably just because the concubine incited Father.

You recalled one night, when you and your sisters were sleeping soundly, Father came home drunk from somewhere, not understanding what she was whining about, Father woke all the children up and beat them, without distinguishing who was at fault and who wasn't. You yourself, you didn't understand what fault you and your sisters had that while `" ẻö———___————nNnggộổạợgẹeryraà << _<®wammua" sleeping, Father pulled you up, Father hit and Father struck! The scene of a stepmother's cruelty to children is always like that! How many generations of bánh đúc have bones, how many stepmothers love their husband's children.

147Printed page 147You loved the children, you looked after them meticulously, and especially you paid attention to their food. Whichever meal the children didn't want to eat, you immediately thought of food that didn't suit their taste, : so the next meal you tried with our small amount of money to change dishes so the children would eat!

Loving the children, you didn't forget your husband. You never let me lack anything, except in impossible circumstances. You worried about my every breakfast, I and the children always had enough, if there was a lack, it was only on your part. Once I noticed, asked you, and you replied:

"I'm so busy working I forget and don't feel hungry!"

It was truly touching, you didn't think about eating, only about working.

Writing this, I remember those mornings again, I had just stepped out of bed, and you, still sleeping, quickly told me:

"Don't eat egg bread this morning, I have this for you already!"

So you also quickly woke up with me to prepare breakfast for me. You took out the packet of that flower that I liked, cut and arranged it on a plate, mixed a glass of milk with cocoa. I sat eating, you sat watching, you were happy to see me eat well.

148Printed page 148L1 120ÐĐ@C,CNẠẠgẠ/ẠgẠƑ—ỐỐ Or there were also mornings, you made a bowl of noodles for me, you cooked another bowl to share with our two grandchildren, only the leftovers were your share!

How could I forget your care, and how could I forget your joyful face, when you saw me and the children eat well. That happy scene of our family is no more! You have passed away, and what remains with me today, that is only l is the longing...

In this same year, we left the house on Hai Bà Trưng street to move to our current residence. Just like every other time, everything was arranged by you, and when I arrived home, you had already finished arranging and tidying everything.

This new house was also quite spacious, with solid architecture. With your hands, with your artistic sense, you decorated the house very gracefully with our simple furnishings.

Our life became less difficult because of the debts from being swindled, you also managed to pay back quite a lot, the creditors also sympathized with our situation, not pressing us. They saw that we were swindled, they saw that we lost - more money than them and all the hardships, we were the ones who had to bear it all! ` At the new house, a bit far from the market, you had to go to the market several times a week, you worked harder, but the house was spacious, the children had a place to eat and study. And this house, a house from Kiến-thiết, also somewhat 1.0 ỐÊẦ7ĨỶÝẲ-_ẠẠ— | thanks to you, we had it. My nature is not to want to trouble anyone, . so every time there was a circular for housing allocation, although I submitted an application, I never went to lobby, complain, or beg. I understood, living in these times, begging has no meaning if there is no personal favor, The houses built by Kiến-thiết were said to be for the public, but in reality, how many civil servants benefited. l At that time I only knew Mr. Ð... a high-ranking official with influence in the Presidential Palace. This gentleman liked to write poetry, I knew him through a literary connection. I asked for his poetry, writings, and biography to give to Thái-Bạch to print in the book VIỆT-NAM THỊ NHÂN HIỆN ĐẠI.

149Printed page 149Thanks to this acquaintance, my application for housing allocation finally had results. He intervened with Kiến-thiết to help, but Kiến-thiết only allocated us a small house in Phú-Thọ. The two of us went together to see it.

I intended to accept that house but you said:

- A house this small, how can we live in it adequately.

Anyway, I'm already indebted, you should talk to him and ask for help to get another house.

The poet truly was dedicated. I asked him to intervene again and thanks to that later intervention, we got: the house we have today. We do not forget his kindness.

The housing issue for us was considered temporarily settled.

Living in Saigon, having a house like today is something many people wish for.

Moving to the new house, we lived peacefully in family happiness. Our children grew day by day, their studies progressed day by day. As the younger children grew up, you no longer had to worry about giving birth. Regarding finances, although a bit lacking, but you were good at managing expenses, we still endured the scarcity with my meager civil servant salary † ì We would have been happy if not for the failed coup of 1960. Mr. Ngô-đình-Diệm was hated by people, people overthrew him, that actually had nothing to do with me although I also didn't like Mr. Ngô, especially the dictatorial policies of him and his brothers and the sycophantic character of his cronies. Yet when the coup failed, our family was affected, and I was dismissed by Minister Nguyễn-Lương. At that time, I was working as Director at the Ministry of Social Affairs, in the Ministry there were many Cần-Lao party members, these party members were competing to gain merit to advance themselves. They only looked for opportunities to falsely accuse everyone. The 1960 coup failed; they reported to the party that I dared to take down Ngô-đình-Diệm's picture. Where Ngô's picture was, let it be, why would I touch it. Never would I do such an unconscious act. I didn't do it, but when the Cần-Lao party members reported it, it meant I did it! And Mr. Nguyễn Lương dismissed me. Speaking of Mr. Nguyễn Lương, it's disgusting. He was so afraid of the Ngô family that he lost all dignity and became pitifully sycophantic \ A superior who didn't dare to defend his subordinate even a word, even though he knew his subordinate was innocent. Our fate, especially yours, was truly difficult l The debt from being swindled was not yet paid, now on top of that, I lost my job, lost my job in Saigon with nothing and eleven young children! Anyone outside who saw our situation would worry for us! You also worried, but you had exhausted : your calm strength. In the past year, you both paid old debts, - — and managed to save up a bit from a rotating credit association. You took this share l, we didn't have to worry at first, we would figure things out gradually.

151Printed page 151I remember, staying home, I only read books, collected materials to write books and thanks to this work, in recent years we have breathed easier, people returned to their roots, research books on ancient traditions found readers.

A few days you went to the market, I drove you there and brought you back. Túng bắn, chứng ta still had a car to take the children to school and occasionally visit Ba or Thanh and his wife. - You worried back and forth, asking friends to help introduce us to the Linh-Mục; and thanks to their intervention, after six months of unemployment I was able to go back to work.

152Printed page 152I had to stop working, you were the most Ìo lắng, and when I was able to go back to work, bàng năm, every time Christmas came you never forgot the Linh-Mục who had helped us, you always bought gifts to wish them a Merry Christmas and reiterated our thanks to them. We also invited them home for a meal to show our respect, l nhất là to Father Quý and old Father Gautier.

You are no longer here, from now on in this world l anh worries alone, where can I find you to bàn hơn bàn kém Ì And whenever I encounter something that needs calculating, I remember you, how much you helped me, ern how many tasks you carried out in the family! In times of hardship, you uplifted my tỉnh-thần, and when effort was needed, you were the one who encouraged me! From now on my life is truly desolate, where can I find you to share joys and sorrows! Do I see anything, I only see your picture on the lonely altar, a few incense sticks emitting smoke as if evoking longing! And is there anything left, the days I visit your grave to be closer to your body; my dear, your _ body will decay with time đề return to dust, but my love and longing will never fade, ˆ the further away the day you died, my pain seems to multiply! People say time will heal ` all wounds, but -anh knows, there are people forty years later who mention their diligent and faithful wife separated halfway, that person still đưng dưng tears, and the longing for his wife seems to overflow in his tuôi già!

153Printed page 153So what does time mean next to people's pain! One can forget a beautiful scene, but who can ever forget memories deeply ingrained in the mind! Your image is an bắt diệt memory for me, my dear! ` Emơi ! Whenever there was something upsetting, discussing it with you made the upset nguôi đần. Nowadays, being sad alone is one thing, but when there is something joyful, who do I tell? Without you, joy also turns to sadness, and even more ì buồn hơn. I fear sadness, I fear joy even more! Buôn, I embrace it myself, but if joy cannot be expressed with you, then joy is just too bitter a sadness!

My dear! Mắt em là anh mất hết! xÍ I returned to work in 1961! That year our daughter l Uyễn passed the final part of her Tú-tài II. Thằng Đạt also began to walk and talk. Raising children also became less difficult.