The last family reunion Tết and the infinite emptinessPart XII · pages 169–183

169Printed page 169She was used to living with Grandma, she couldn't be far from Grandma. Her mother . was pregnant at the time, and later gave birth to Bi before Tết. :

You went to the hospital again to care for our child, look after our grandchild; and it was also you who raised Bi. . Uyễn was also lucky to have given birth before Tết, just fifteen more days, with the Tết Mậu-Thân offensive ._ 0f the Northern army ‹into Saigòn, it would surely have been very . troublesome. .

You prepared for Tết Mậu-Thân truly grandly, grandly for our family. You wrapped bánh chưng, wrapped giò, made preserves. You did everything by yourself, our children truly couldn't help you with anything. You alone wrapped over fifty cakes, wrapped both chicken giò and sào giò, arranged everything for cooking ._ and baking for Tết. We have many children, every year you .also stocked up on food, fearing the red earth outside. | That year we lit many firecrackers, a difficult year, with the Spring day the sound of firecrackers could perhaps dispel all weariness. If it were peacetime, how wonderful it would be.

170Printed page 170You knew I liked lighting firecrackers, you had already bought a dozen packs, you chose really loud firecrackers.

Spring Mậu-Thân came to us in a - festive atmosphere, the house was decorated cleanly .with red couplets pasted inside, and also red couplets dàn - outside the door. Amidst this almost renewed setting, you looked young again, your face joyful and happy, at the sight of a warm family, a harmonious husband and wife, and obedient children.

Just like every year, you prepared a New Year's Eve offering tray for me. Late at night, the children had either gone to -_ sleep or the older ones had gone to rituals, we, husband and wife, were still -awake, we waited for Spring to arrive.

Spring arrived amidst tens of thousands of firecracker sounds.

I set up the New Year's Eve altar as every year in front of the house, next to our small flower garden. After finishing the New Year's Eve offering, we lit two strings of firecrackers. The children heard the firecrackers and woke up together. At the beginning of that Spring, the family seemed warm and happy. The flower garden in front of the house, you skillfully arranged and planted flowers, they bloomed vibrantly, in full color, yellow chrysanthemums, yellow apricot blossoms, red roses, purple orchids... The young branches and leaves seemed to adorn the pretty garden scene. The entire area of the flower garden was only about five square meters, but your hands — you skillfully transformed it so all the plants were green and fresh, - imbued with a cheerful look with colorful patterns. I remember, on the first day when anh Kỷ came to wish Tết, he stood admiring the flower garden and exclaimed: So beautiful! He told you:

171Printed page 171"You are truly talented, with just a few square meters of land you skillfully cultivated an elegant flower garden." My dear! This Tết, this year of Canh-Tuất, anh Kỷ came to wish me Tết again. He stood before your altar with tears welling up, and I also cried along, unable to control my emotions. Anh Kỷ advised me to be brave and steadfast to have enough strength to raise our children to become good people! I am always brave and steadfast! But my dear, sad, I am always sad! This year no one takes care of the flower garden, it looks as sad as my heart. Perhaps the plants and grass have sympathized with the owner's suffering: "What scene does not bear sorrow, A sad person never finds joy in any scene."

Back to Tết of the year Mậu-Thân! After the New Year's Eve offering and lighting firecrackers, the two of us sat waiting, waiting for the incense to burn out, I burned the votive paper, you carried the offering tray inside.

We hadn't gone to bed yet, you still looked over the house one more time, then as every year, you brought the chicken, took a piece of chicken gizzard, ate a bite, then offered it to me. We shared the piece of chicken gizzard like couples in ancient wedding nights shared a betel nut before the moment of intimacy.

172Printed page 172And when we went to bed, we still turned on the radio to listen to Tết songs until we dozed off, then I reached out to turn off the machine. This was almost our custom every Tết. But this year, my dear, I went to bed alone, no music, no Tết songs! I also made the New Year's Eve offering, but this is the saddest New Year's Eve in my life. The children replaced you in preparing the New Year's Eve feast for me, also with a chicken, but then they went to sleep, only I sat waiting for New Year's Eve, looking up at the altar to gaze at your image! Oh! Where is that loving smile, your lively eyes are now just an illusion. How desolate and lonely the house scene is, how sorrowfully the incense smoke rises! Where is the cozy scent of agarwood smoke from the days you were still here, where is your gentle figure gracefully walking from the inner house to the outer house, where are your warm calls, your soft words anymore! New Year's Eve is truly bland, all of your BÌ today belongs to the past! The past only gets further away day by day, time goes further and further, and my dear, when will I see you again! I always wait for you in my dreams! Dreams are beautiful but only add bitterness, when can a dream equal reality, and when the dream ends, the cruel reality is still reality!

173Printed page 173Making the New Year's Eve offering alone, alone in the desolate house, the children and three small grandchildren had all gone to sleep, I sat waiting for the incense to burn out, then I personally went to burn the votive paper, carried the feast tray inside, quietly closed the door, then quietly went to sleep, without a word, without a laugh.

Remembering Tết Mậu-Thân, we went up the stairs together, then to the bedroom, we even opened the wooden door to look out and see people lighting firecrackers. The firecrackers exploded loudly, scattering sparks of fire in the dark night.

"On the morning of the first day of Tết, as every year, why did you wake up so early." When I and the children woke up, you had already finished preparing the feast to offer to our ancestors. You did all the work quickly and neatly, the children didn't have to lift a finger, you did it all yourself. After offering to the ancestors, I put on my clothes, I gave you the first lucky money of the year. Every year, I put aside a sum of money to give you and the children the first lucky money on Tết. Holding the lucky money, your eyes lit up, your mouth was as fresh as a flower blooming at the beginning of Spring, and you wished me the best words. You also gave me the first lucky money in return. Then we gave lucky money to the children, both old and young, they were happy with the coming Spring, receiving money from their parents with joyful faces.

That Tết, our daughter Uyễn, after giving birth to Bi, returned to her in-laws' house. Our daughter Bê was still with us. She was being taught to speak by her father, hearing the firecrackers she was both scared and happy, looking truly amusing. ÊtmẳắmaiaẳầẳầẳẳiẳắiắắẳaầiẳẳẮỒẮỶẳỶẲẳẮẲẳẮỖẨỖẲẨỤẮẦẮẪẮỶŸỶỳẮẳỗỄẮẪỄẮŨPNBăRnn mu, ốõốõ7õ7õẽõẽõẽẽ Around noon on the first day, the two of us and con Bê went to wish Tết to Ba Me, after that we went to anh chị Thanh. I still remember, that day con Bê was restless, no matter how I and you coaxed her, she wouldn't calm down, chị Thanh said: "It's Uyễn's child! She's like her mother back then!" We ate Tết cakes with anh chị Thanh, and when we left, chị Thanh even showed us a shortcut to the main road.

174Printed page 174Back home, Uyễn and her husband came to wish Tết, we gave lucky money to the two of them, and told the children to eat cakes and drink wine. The first day of Tết in the year Mậu-Thân was a completely beautiful day!

That night, in the evening before going to bed, before sleeping, we turned on the radio to listen to Spring music, the machine was turned on softly, just enough for the two of us to hear until we fell asleep. When I suddenly woke up, I only heard the machine making a soft whirring sound. I thought the machine was broken, reached out to turn it off. My action woke you up too, and just then, the radio announced the news that North Vietnamese troops were attacking Sàigòn, and advised the people not to light firecrackers.

The Mậu-Thân Tết disaster began. You reached out and tightly held my hand and softly said:

"If they enter Saigòn, it will be very dangerous, won't it!"

Then we were silent and said nothing. The radio again announced that the National Army was conducting operations to drive the enemy out of Saigòn, advising the people not to go out. On the second day of Tết, the streets of Sàigòn were deserted, only police were on guard, and a scattered few civil servants obeyed the government's order to go to work. I also went to work, going in stages.

175Printed page 175While I was at work, you were worried at home, but I only went to work for one session, and afterwards I stayed stubbornly at home, only occasionally going to the office to show my presence. It was during this time that I completed the book PHONG TỤC VIỆT-NAM, which was later published by Khai-Trí, and the book contains many pictures of you.

The Tet Mau Than incident caused much harm right during the incident to many families, including families in peaceful areas like ours, not to mention areas devastated by bombs and bullets, where people died and houses collapsed.

——. In our area, most of them were wealthy, perhaps the poorest were us, but some of these families did not anticipate the sudden incident, and for them, the traditional Tet of the nation did not hold much meaning — - as it did for us, so for Tet, they did not prepare - ready-made cakes and fruits and did not buy vegetables in advance to cook offerings.

The war came to Saigon, markets did not open, there were no sellers, many households fell into a situation of food shortage. Knowing about the shortage, you automatically cut back ' tui W Ha k TA .. ..-. tàn 1 ng 5Ì DU, VNĐ AI . . Nha in `... M4 KTS .R- TA Id ` va it Vu? Thnhvc ao . Taời + hé ti #t = . È RỂ M Ụ h. —Ặ ` VE!; XU? nêu . "- Ề SA lu để tUẠA có vê ng cưa ¬ xẾ -, t0 TC PÊN Áp Cán : ký — Œ NA... +, Vi TH g ẾN c. VỀ CỀ nh ho è « - Ú Hà #À si" ".~. uy kệ ` ` cửp `. ' ¬.-= a vất n th vụ . Xi NIỆP + N 2 yIA s2 xe... .vS. Tông cài _ pK ? Mời juC: vSÊI SA EGG TIA 2n cưng ty _.. 1 nh Tu nh yến TẾ MÁC Ty Cà TA v1 vn Ằ AI tt dat, Hộ tiệc cơn b HBmei v Án co NT tu K2 * VN Ta Star ee l1 02/10v-N R h - Si Tế + <<... tưêy ALg S2 2t St vờ, Vàng Ty 1¬... - . Ũ phân của gia-đình giúp đỡ một số bạn bè ở cư-xá, starting with the guard, someone a vegetable plant, someone a head of cabbage, someone a plate of cake, someone a piece of meat... Your nature | was always like that, you never missed an opportunity to help people. The help may not have been much ‹ but dear, your friends, the people in the residential area . remembered it forever. And when you died, coming to visit you, those gentlemen and ladies recalled this help, and the more people remembered you, the more I missed and loved you! Your good character remains, anyone who comes to visit and offer condolences to me, mentions your good qualities, especially your generosity towards friends and those who owed you favors, they do not forget your kindness. Now, whenever you are mentioned, the guard always brings up the money -_ 1.0008 you gave his son for medicine when the boy - was injured and recuperating at home! This thousand piasters, you helped him with, one week before you died! That day, you went to the guard's house to ask about changing your ID card, you saw him looking pale, you came back and told me: _- The guard's son is injured, recuperating and looks - __ Pale. You help him with a thousand, okay! .- Of course I agreed, so you opened your wallet and brought him 1,000$, then you returned with a joyful expression, as if you had just won the lottery!

177Printed page 177Your nature was like that, you were happy to help people, even though there were times you had to borrow money to help people.

178Printed page 178- A few days after Tet Mau Than, Uyễn and her husband moved back in with us, and you once again toiled - to look after and care for little Bi, just as you had looked after and cared for his sister. ˆ ˆ There were days when we had no help, . you alone took care of housework, cooking, cleaning, and also looked after the two grandchildren! You didn't mind and also didn't complain! The children helped a little here and there, but you diligently did it all by yourself. The house remained tidy and clean, and the two grandchildren still ate well and grew fast.

— Taking care of your grandchildren, you were as devoted as when raising your own children! Your fate was to toil, first raising children, then raising grandchildren. There was a time you smiled and told me:

Ẵ - My fate is that I owed your family in a previous life, this life I have to pay it back. . Many times seeing you toil so hard, Uyên had to go find a maid, but with so many people in the house, especially . many small children, every maid was scared, they would only work for a short .while and then quit, even though you treated them very kindly. In fact, . hiring help in recent years has become very difficult!

They preferred marrying Americans over working! Marrying Americans meant more money and less — - toil!

Without help, you did it yourself. Many times, - pregnant women would come asking for work, and you would hire them.

— Other people avoided it because they believed hiring a pregnant woman in the house brought bad luck. Perhaps this was something many people had experienced, but we, husband and wife, did not believe it and you said:

179Printed page 179- How could it be that by helping people we would encounter bad luck?

In fact, the pregnant women who came to help us were often those close to their due date, their work output was not much, so when they asked for work, Í no one would hire them. Understanding their negligible work productivity, you still hired them and said:

- It helps to ease the burden! If they can't do one thing, they can do another! The Mau Than year was quickly coming to an end. Little Bi had learned to crawl, he looked very funny and adorable. Then he started to stand.

Near the end of the year, Hạnh asked permission to bring Sơn to the house to greet her parents, her intention was to build a life with him. We agreed and also wished for our daughter's couple to soon be successful.

The Tet of the Ky Dau year arrived. Our house was completely joyful, we didn't have much money, but the harmony in ` our family surely surpassed others. Tuấn, though at the outpost, also got leave to come home. ` Husband and wife, children reunited, plus two babbling grandchildren, what could be more joyful!

Just like every Tet, you again worried about wrapping bánh chưng, wrapping giò and cooking all sorts of food, making cakes and candied fruits for the grandchildren to enjoy Tet.

180Printed page 180The flower garden in front of the house was again bustling with blooming flowers, not a single tree didn't bloom. I again pasted a pair of red couplets: Í _— Định tiểu thụy phát hoa thành cẩm, - Môn ngoại Xuân lai điểu tấu ca. (Trước sân phát điềm tốt hoa thành gắm, :

Outside the door Spring arrives birds sing ).

With such a beautiful start to the year, who knew it was the year you would pass away. Was it as you said, you owed me and the children, now that the debt is paid, you leave. You left, but oh my dear, you left me so much longing and sorrow, you left the children so much pain! Perhaps in the garden the vạn niên thanh plant also bloomed at the same time as all the other plants to signal misfortune? Many people still often say that vạn niên thanh blooming is very ominous. Hearing that, we discussed: vạn niên thanh is just a plant, while other plants bloom, surely this plant also competes to bloom with those other flowers, a hundred flowers blooming, that is just a sign of Spring. Who knew, vạn niên thanh blooming was truly ominous; it had foretold your passing. Now in the garden, in front and behind the house, I have uprooted and thrown away all the vạn niên thanh plants, I don't want to see this kind of plant, it reminds me of the misfortune in your death! Remembering when you were alive, you looked after and cared for the flower garden, every day you personally carried water to water the plants, you personally trimmed every row of grass, every leaf - deep. The flower garden always looked fresh and lush, perhaps the plants and grass also understood your care! Since you.

181Printed page 181died, the scenery is desolate, the trees in the garden don't bother to bloom, leaves withered even though every day either I or the children still water the plants as when you were alive. You died, the plants and grass are also sorrowful, how can I not be in pain, not miss you. Looking back at your photo sitting in front of the flower garden, then looking out at the bare flower garden, I only feel sadder, and the desolate scene seems to increase the desolation. The first days of the Kỷ-Dậu year passed in the peaceful warmth of the family. You were 46, I was 55.

I had planned for the day I would retire, to live and rest by your side.

Bê and Bi grew bigger day by day. Then Bi learned to walk, he stumbled and fell. Remembering the day Bê learned to walk, you were the one who guided the grandchild. He held your hand and walked. Then that afternoon, he held two balls in his two hands, he was as confident as if holding grandma's hand, he stumbled along, and he was able to walk by himself.

Every night J3ê slept with Grandpa and Grandma, while Bi slept with his parents, and in the morning hào he also demanded to come suckle grandma's breast, then Bê also went to sleep with his mother, but somehow -Hữ: in the morning both children would snuggle over to Grandma. Every night, if they were fussy, their father would spank them, they would go over to grandma. Bi would wake up, even in the middle of the night, and crawl over to grandma to snuggle and suckle. For a few months before you died, every morning the two children would compete to come over to you, the two children occupied two breasts, you lay on your back, the two grandchildren suckled on both sides, it looked truly -]lâ a poetic scene. I still intended to take a photo of you breastfeeding the two grandchildren, unfortunately, my intention was not realized, you were no longer here!

182Printed page 182The two grandchildren cherished grandma, and grandma also loved the two grandchildren.

Perhaps a sixth sense forewarned you, you were afraid you wouldn't live to spoil the grandchildren, every day you made cakes clo for them to eat, from savory cakes to sweet cakes, until today, you have been dead for two and a half months, they still haven't forgotten, and just yesterday, Bi even told me:

Just now Grandma made cakes for Bi to eat!

Surely you came to the grandchild in a dream!

Bê also missed you very much. About more than a week after you died, he kept asking about you. He said:

Why has Grandma been in the hospital for so long and hasn't come home?

Bê isn't naughty, why would Grandma hate him! Bê is very good. This time when Grandma comes home Bê won't suckle Grandma's breast anymore! The grandchild's innocent words made me unable to hold back tears. Their babbling questions about you made me even more heartbroken! Will Grandma ever come back to the grandchildren again. But the grandchildren still keep waiting for Grandma J Without Grandma, all the affection, Bê poured it all onto Grandpa. He held on, not wanting me to go anywhere.

183Printed page 183It said: _ ~ Before Bê let Grandma go, she didn't come back, now Bê won't let Grandpa go!

My dear, how can Bê's Grandpa go! Bê's Grandma ` is gone, Grandpa still stays to look after Bê's aunts and uncles. I pray to Heaven and Buddha to bless me with enough courage to try hard to raise the young children until they grow up. Without you, how empty the house is. People say: Without a man around the house, without a woman, the kitchen is desolate, but for me, without you is complete desolation, the kitchen is desolate, the house is desolate, and my soul is desolate too! Absolutely everything reminds me of you, and the more it is so, the more I miss you, the more I feel I miss everything. Where are the times I sat writing with you next to me, where are the times at mealtime you watched me eat, where are the times I came home and you greeted me with a joyful smile. It's all gone, my dear!