Mother's approval and the wedding ceremony according to village customs.Part II · pages 22–36

22Printed page 22That meant Mother had indulged my wishes. Many times Mother still advised me to get married, especially when I was sick and lying alone in the Vinh-Yên hospital. Mother often said if I had a wife, during times of illness, my wife and children would take care of me, and Mother would worry less. I wanted to get married to please Mother, but I didn't meet anyone I liked, and perhaps it was fate that I met you, I immediately felt a strange attachment.

Before, Mother told me once.

- Mother intended to ask for Ms. Nhung, the granddaughter of Mr. Phủ, for you, what do you think?

Nhung, from Đáp-Cầu village, was about your age ._ she was also beautiful but not as charming .and graceful as you. Cụ Phủ was from my village, and also a relative of mine. Nhung's parents were rich, Mother ` wanted, if I married Nhung, she would be from - the same village and commune, and also have some ancestral connection through her maternal | . side, plus her parents-in-law would be respected people. . I didn't criticize Nhung, but I wouldn't marry Nhung. Nhung knew my family well and also knew about my previous failed marriage, if we married, both sides would have an inferiority complex, and most importantly, I didn't feel love for her, even though I didn't know you at that time.

23Printed page 23Talking to Mother, I boasted a lot about you.

"- Mother said: Hmm, then I'll go up to Vĩnh Yên, if her family agrees, I'll make arrangements. Mother thought very correctly. My wish was one thing, but there was also you, and your family."

In fact, at the time we got married, there was no such freedom of love as there is today, especially in a small province, moral | traditions were still respected, and girls had to be extremely careful, avoiding all contact with boys .—-_ even with their fiancé until the wedding day. | . I loved you then, but I must admit that __ marrying you was not easy. Your family ị valued tradition, you were a young girl growing up, and I, after all, already had the reputation of having been married once. Of course _ before giving you to me, your family had to inquire | about me, and thus, my previous marriage ` was also a great obstacle to our union. | - But we became a couple and there was no obstacle ị whatsoever, although in our marriage there were ! many troubles that caused you suffering, because people lacked affection for you! Life is always like that, a hen and a duckling never truly cherish each other! But the troubles you endured were just like a whirlwind passing by, then the South wind came, making people feel more comfortable!

24Printed page 24- So many things happened only made us love each other more and our family later even happier. ¬ I returned from my hometown to Vĩnh-Yên. I talked _ with Mr. and Mrs. Đạt that one day my mother would come up to talk with your family.

- Mr. and Mrs. Đạt are truly good, Mrs. Đạt, though simple and rustic, has a heart more genuine than others. She told me:

-...~__ Yes, you must start a family, living like this | is too lonely. "

Mr. Đạt also said:

Alright, when you come up, I will take you to cô Uẫn's place. I believe that place won't be difficult at all. l - Anh Đạt was right, your paternal grandmother won't be difficult | at all, if there's any difficulty it's only due to gossip from people who don't love you Í ' __ Your life was so miserable! Orphaned from your mother at _„ six years old, completely lacking maternal love! Married, for thirty years toiling with your husband, only giving birth to children, raising children, and worrying about your husband's fits, now that the children have grown up, alas! you are gone, not allowed to stay and admire the results of the work you created! I love you for that, I grieve for you __ for that too! Living together, we only loved and cherished each other, we shared happiness and suffering, endured and enjoyed together! Yet now... I sit here to - I went to Vĩnh-Yên only a short while later, then my mother came up. My mother talked with anh chị Đạt.

25Printed page 25At that time it was around 7 PM. Dinner was done, anh Đạt told me:

Now I'll go, I'll try to ask the old lady's opinion ' to see, if she agrees to receive you, I will bring you back.

The old lady here is your grandmother, the one who loved you more than anyone, she was the one who brought us together, and | she was the one who removed all difficulties for us to become husband and wife.

- Mr. Đạt went to meet her.

It was truly a surprise, because since he came to work _in Vĩnh-Yên, Mr. Đạt had never visited your family l' - Your grandmother warmly received Mr. Đạt. And when Mr. Đạt mentioned that my mother had come up from the countryside to visit and intended ‹ — to visit your grandmother to talk about the marriage proposal, your grandmother | invited my mother to come over and said:

Whether the children's match succeeds or not .... succeeds, please invite his mother to visit again. | _. Anh Đạt returned to recount the story, and brought my mother back | to visit her. She hadn't accepted anything yet, but she promised to ask Ị your father's opinion and your opinion. Everything had begun well.

Mr. Đạt returned to recount the story, at that time Miss Tơ was crying, when she heard the story, she stopped crying, burst out laughing and teased you. _ The meeting between your grandmother and my mother was not long, ._ only for a moment in the evening, but from that day I immediately believed our marriage would succeed. I - | loved you with all my sincere heart, with the desire _ to build a happy life. | Later you recounted: She waited for father to return from Tam-Đảo to ask for his opinion. Father said to ask for your opinion. Father did not decide because last time when the son of Mr. Phán Cung proposed to you, Father had accepted but then you stubbornly refused . to agree, had to return the betel and areca, this time Father left it to your discretion .you, whether to agree or not was up to you to decide, if you agreed then father would marry you off, if you didn't agree then that was it.

Father told mother, your stepmother, to ask for your opinion.

Actually, you also didn't decide whether to marry me or not, but the way mother asked for your opinion made you agree out of annoyance. Mother asked you:

- there's Mr. Phán from the Court asking for you here, do you agree or not so I can answer them. He previously had a wife, and he divorced his wife just because the rice pot was undercooked! If you can take him, then take him.

You resolutely replied: mm. 7. 2...0 acc co ỢỰgỢỢNêểẽẼẽẼgg gưẠˆ pc ọÒờé‹ï/xé sa.

26Printed page 26- I agree, mother, answer them!

It's truly fate, isn't it! Has anyone ever asked a daughter's opinion about a suitor like that before. It's truly special. You are a stubborn person, especially headstrong in your youth. Later you often told me:

- If grandmother had asked me properly, not asked in such a tricky way, perhaps I would have answered differently.

And you laughed and said: - So I was lucky to get you!

- You had agreed, grandmother sent for Mr. Đạt, to ask again about my previous marriage. Mr. Đạt repeated everything I had told him, and wanting to be sure that I was no longer entangled with my previous wife, he even brought the court papers for grandmother to see.

After some time, Mr. Đạt was again invited by grandmother to inform that the family agreed to marry you to me, and it was up to my family to set the date for the engagement ceremony and offer buffalo areca. mm"

I was overjoyed beyond measure! I was to be united with the beauty queen of Vĩnh-Yên!

I went back to my hometown to inform my mother. My mother discussed it, then set a date for her to go to Vĩnh-Yên for the engagement ceremony. | The engagement ceremony was held according to traditional customs, and ` we were betrothed to each other. Betrothed to each other, but we never got to meet. Your paternal grandmother greatly respected ancient etiquette, a girl before her wedding day must always preserve herself and not have any contact with her fiancé. I considered this preservation very proper and I was not in a hurry to contact you. We would live together for one ___ life, we must respect each other. Ỷ _, From the day of the engagement ceremony, occasionally I would come back , to your house in the evening, to visit your grandmother and hope to see you, but I never met you. Before my shadow reached the door, you had already scurried into the house, and if you didn't run in, your grandmother would also chase you in. You ran into the inner house, but I knew you still peeked through the window curtain to look at me, and more than once, I . caught your sparkling black eyes. | . If you looked out, wouldn't I look in?

27Printed page 27We both had a premonition, I knew that looking in would meet your eyes, and you also understood, when you looked out it would meet my eyes! It was truly predestined fate, although we didn't have contact, we understood each other. In the evening, the two girls Yên and Lợi still came to ask me for lessons. At this time I no longer needed to ask the two girls about you, the two girls themselves asked me about you.

You stopped going to school right from the day I brought the betel box. The classroom, without you, was probably less joyful. Because wherever you were, there was laughter, and you were also the teacher's favorite student. The teacher asked about you, and your friends vied to answer:

28Printed page 28- She, teacher, is about to get married! ... The teacher asked why you were getting married so early, and our friends also said you were a bit hasty to start a family! But among the first-grade students at Vĩnh-Yên girls' school at that time, you weren't the only one who quit school to get married, and you weren't the only one who got married at sixteen. Your friends, cô Ty and a few other girls, also quit school to get married, and they were also only sixteen years old like you. In a small province, girls easily get married, especially those like you, who were both beautiful and from a family with moral traditions. I wasn't the only one who wanted to marry you back then; besides me, there were a few others, but fate had bound us together, destiny had arranged us, so I was quicker to offer the betel and areca at the right time.

Although we didn't meet, I knew I had _ held you tightly in my hand, my heart was truly satisfied, I -certainly would live with my beautiful one for a ‹ — happy life. | I often came to visit you, but I never got to talk to you. Sometimes I did get to see you, but you only bowed your head to greet me, your mouth smiled brightly like a blooming flower then you went inside.. _ One day your grandmother sent for me to come for a meal. I secretly rejoiced, surely you would be at the meal! But no, I came to eat, the meal had chú Tình, had everyone else but not you. Sitting and eating, but my mind was following you in the yard, in the room. The food was made very delicious, but truthfully I didn't pay attention to it. I remember that meal had the dish of pork simmered with honey, lean pork grilled lightly then simmered salty - with honey. This dish, you always made for me later, and much later when the two of us lived on our own together, I truly learned to appreciate this delicious dish!

29Printed page 29After the engagement ceremony, you went up to Tam-Đảo to stay with your father to wait for a convenient day for us to hold the wedding, that's why I rarely saw your face. Only occasionally did you return to Vĩnh-Yên.

At home, they showed me your photos. I took one to look at when I missed you. This one showed you wearing a white shirt, holding an umbrella, your face looking very young and innocent. And later you gave me a 4x6 photo of yourself. I brought this photo home for my paternal grandmother and mother to see. My paternal grandmother praised your big, beautiful eyes.

I told you this again. Unfortunately, these pictures, which we pasted into albums, because of the times, circumstances, we were forced to evacuate, then relocate again, we no longer kept those albums! Later - remembering, we regretted it together! The beautiful pictures from when we were newly married, we often recalled them together, and told our children about them! Now, remembering those distant days, I grieve for you even more! Who is there now to recall old memories with me! You lie cold in the cemetery, surely you also love your husband and children, wanting to return to the living world! I resent ._ fate, how could it be so cruel as to make you die when you were only four _ty-six years old! ...

30Printed page 30Not long after the engagement, I was sent to Hà-nội to study a course in Library and Archival Science. Before leaving, I came to say goodbye to your mother and hoped to see you to bid farewell. You were away in Tam-Đảo. Your mother told me to go up to Tam-Đảo to visit you. - I went up to Tam-Đảo. I met you and we talked to each other. I don't know what we talked about, but I only know that being near you, talking to you, made me very happy, even though I only got to see you for a few hours, and had lunch with you.

Back in Hà-nội, I always thought of you. I stayed at chị Dung's house. Here, chị Dung's friends often came. Seeing them, I would feel a pang of longing for you. They had such crude and artificial manners. Compared to you, I saw a world of difference. You were graceful, discreet, and careful in your gestures and speech; you possessed all the necessary virtues of a well-bred Eastern young woman.

I had been back in Hà-nội for more than two weeks, I hadn't had time to visit you, when suddenly I received a telegram from Vĩnh-Yên with four words: Grandmother died, come immediately. . _ I was truly shocked! At first I thought it was my paternal grandmother in the countryside, but looking at the sender's name, I then understood it was your paternal grandmother.

31Printed page 31When I left Vĩnh-Yên, your paternal grandmother was still healthy, yet she passed away! Life and death truly cannot be foreseen by anyone! Just like today, you were healthy, then suddenly you left me and a bunch of young children and died. Did you deceive me, or did creation deceive us both! When I arrived in Vĩnh-Yên, I learned that the telegram was sent by anh Đạt to inform me after he had informed his family.

I rushed immediately to your house. I don't clearly remember who told me to go back and immediately inform my parents and arrange for a funeral wedding.

Travel at that time was very difficult; to go back to my hometown from Vĩnh-Yên, I had to take two train trips or two car trips. On one hand, I asked anh Đạt to go to Hà-nội to buy the wedding gifts for me; even though it was a funeral wedding, I still had to observe the rituals. On the other hand, I went back to my hometown to inform my parents.

The hurried wedding was held before announcing _ —— tangbàl .

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33Printed page 33What I noticed most during the wedding was that when I was already standing in front of the altar for the ceremony, I still hadn't seen you come out. Why was that?

Were you too distressed or did you have something upsetting with me?

Aunt Cơ, seeing me waiting, called out loudly: „.._ "Uẫn, where are you, come out and perform the ceremony!" Father also seemed a bit impatient. At that moment, you just came from the room behind the ancestral hall, hastily wearing an old, dark blue áo dài with torn elbows, to stand for the ceremony with me.

Father looked at you. Perhaps he realized something. You later explained this clearly to me.

You said:

"Everyone kept telling me to get ready to perform the ceremony with you, but what was I to get ready with! I had no clothes, I only knew to hastily put on my old áo dài from my school days, what else could I do? The old lady, I mean Mother, still told Father to sew enough clothes for us, my sisters and me, but none of us ever got anything sewn. The old lady's own children had plenty, but for us, perhaps once in a blue moon, we might get one shirt."

The situation of a mother hen and her chicks is the same in any family. I understood your situation.

Thinking about when I got married, performing the ancestral ceremony with my husband without a proper dress, so nowadays when your children, Uyên and Hạnh, get married, you have provided for them very fully. A few days before you died, you even told Uyễn: .~ I intended to buy a ring, but then I didn't.

34Printed page 34"I'll save the money to buy things for Hạnh!" Your children had plenty, and you sacrificed your health for your children, to the point that from overexertion, you fell gravely ill and passed away.

My dear! Your children are still there, the things you bought for them are still there, but where are you? Looking at the children, especially the little ones, standing, hugging their mother's altar, looking at their mother's picture without ceasing, then two streams of tears flowed out, I couldn't control myself! In the afterlife, do you understand __ how much your father and I miss you.

Let's go back to our wedding. The wedding was held amidst tears, everyone was grieving for grandmother, the crying was stifled in the room, and right in the corners of your eyes, tears also seemed to well up!

Was this a premonition that later one of us would have to mourn the other! __ The wedding was over, we had become husband and wife.

And after that, grandmother's funeral was held solemnly 'with grand rituals. During the funeral, we had a chance to meet, but in truth we didn't know what to say 'to each other. .

I loved you seeing you love her, but I can say that I was happy because I had won you.

Our wedding day should have been far away, — but grandmother's funeral shortened the time before the wedding so we could be close sooner.

35Printed page 35I remember during grandmother's funeral you looked so innocent! Your tears seemed to enhance your purity, and with grandmother's mourning scarf, your face seemed to stand out even more. You were in so much pain! I understood, you lost your mother when you were six, and since your mother died, you only received grandmother's love. It's true that father x also loved his children, but father was far away, and his love often met obstacles, so father's love could not thê express him to his children.

Now that grandmother was dead, where was the love you always received! You grieved, you cried, you missed grandmother, you regretted her gentle love.

Faced with your pain, what could I say! I only knew to advise you:

"Stop, Uẩn, don't cry anymore!" | I said that, you looked at me, but then you lowered your face and cried again, your shoulders trembling! I could only respect your suffering.

Grandmother's funeral was over, all the traditional rituals were performed, and all the streets, upper and lower, came to pay respects to grandmother for a week. She lived skillfully, she was a person with wide connections, so many friends and acquaintances came to visit. The hustle and bustle made me very little : to meet you.

Once you told me to come for a meal. Although I attended the funeral, always present, but because I was a new son-in-law, I was shy, so every mealtime I would go home to eat with anh Đạt. You must have realized that, so once at mealtime, you came to remind me!

36Printed page 36Our wedding was over, grandmother's funeral was also over. . That day must have been the third day. Father invited the head of Vĩnh-Thịnh street give birth to come and establish our marriage certificate. The marriage certificate was established. Father called you out to sign. I ` signed first, you signed after. When you held the pen to sign the marriage register, I joked: .~ Signing here is the end, you can't run anywhere else, right!

- You glared at me and then you laughed. After signing, you .ran quickly into the house. - The next day, I went down to Hà-nội to continue studying the Library and Archival Documents course, only occasionally on Sundays would I come up to visit you. These times we could freely meet and talk to each other.

- We were officially a married couple, but according to my village's custom, I didn't bring you -_ home right away, waiting until the end of the year near Tết, then my Grandfather would come to pick you up draw.