The joy of motherhood and her last days in the hospital.Part V · pages 66–81

66Printed page 66- " You had become a Mother, had devotedly raised your child _ with all the heart of a young Mother. :

After staying at the hospital for a few days, you came home... You were happy with our infant, but you endured : so much hardship. Lacking experience, you let both breasts swell, and one breast was damaged because of blocked milk ducts.

My mother came up from the countryside, happy to see her daughter-in-law give birth to her grandchild, but my mother couldn't tell you anything except to keep breastfeeding the baby.

Your breast hurt, each time the baby nursed, there were streaks of blood coming out with the milk. You grimaced in pain, and eventually you only breastfed the baby from your left breast. Your evenly shaped breasts lost their symmetry for a long time because of our first child. Raising our child, we shared the care together. You didn't have enough strength, night after night, we took turns getting up to mix milk for the baby to eat. Looking at our child, we looked at each other again, we both rejoiced and our marital love grew deeper.

Taking care of our child, but you didn't forget me, you still looked after me from my food to my clothes.

Whenever the baby smiled, as the midwife taught, you also smiled and showed me, but if the baby was a little warm, you were worried. There was a time you cried for our child. At that time, it was just over a month old. It had a 'fang' grow on its gums, its face was yellow, it wouldn't nurse. You were scared and I was scared too. We asked someone to perform a ritual, before the ritual, you went to see a fortune teller, I don't know what the fortune teller said, you came home : crying, and while the ritual was being performed for our child, your eyes were still welling up with tears! You loved our child, I loved our child too, but I loved you. It was evening then, I remember it so well. We placed the altar right at the entrance of the alley to perform the ritual for our child, and when the ritual master left, we were both incredibly anxious.

67Printed page 67We also invited someone to extract the 'fang' for our child, and our child recovered, our worries passed too!

- Our child grew bigger day by day, learned to respond to sounds and learned to roll over.. "

Whenever you held our child and talked to it, I stood nearby watching, my heart overflowing with joy.

On clear days, there are often clouds, our peaceful life also couldn't avoid those lingering clouds! During this period, we had a small disagreement, you were angry - I carried our child back to your family's house, but the anger was just like a passing cloud, I apologized to you, the cloud dispersed and your anger was gone. | Our life together didn't only have that lingering cloud, small disagreements occasionally happened like in any family, but each time we made up after an argument, we usually became more affectionate with each other.

68Printed page 68One time you asked me : - " - Why do husband and wife always have to get angry with each other?

I smiled and replied:

- Only by getting angry do we love each other more! Hearing me say that, you happily bent down and kissed our child. Our child grew smarter day by day, but raising a child in its infancy, we experienced many worries, especially before our child turned one year old, I.

You took care of our child meticulously, watching over it every minute, every second, you didn't trust anyone to take care of it, it seemed you had to take care of our child yourself. Our child was cherished, not just by us two, but by both families. It was the first grandchild of both the paternal and maternal sides, so the paternal grandparents doted on it, the maternal grandparents also doted on it, my younger siblings doted on it, and your siblings also doted on it, but because .

"living near your maternal family, it received more love and care from them.

I remember so well, Lân, whenever he came up from Hà-Nội, would immediately run over to our grandchild and carry it back to his house, and Hùng too, whenever he was in Vĩnh-Yên, he would always be around our grandchild. Lân is dead, Hùng is no more, today it's your turn to also leave me and our child forever: nết !

69Printed page 69Old images are still clear before my eyes, bác Lân kissing the grandchild, chú Hùng playing with the grandchild, especially the image of you breastfeeding the child, : the afternoons you stood waiting for me at the door, holding the child's hand. Seeing me from afar you smiled and pointed for the child to look, and when I arrived, the two of us, each holding one of the child's hands, went inside, and as we walked you told me about the child's gestures and words at home! Old images are still so clear, where are you now, my dear! You left, you left sorrow for so many people, I love you, the children miss you! Chị Sinh also loves you very much, since the day you died until now, every week she comes down to make offerings for you at the pagoda, and visits you at the grave. Seeing her, I miss you even more! After we had a child, every Tết we would return to our hometown to visit the grandparents and parents. My grandparents and parents at home were also happy. Our little child made the family even more lively. The aunts and uncles competed to hold the grandchild and the grandparents cherished the grandchild immensely. When Tết was over and we : left, everyone wanted us to stay a few more days. The looks from the grandparents and parents, everyone wanted you and the child to stay home. The more the child grew, the more meticulous your care became, and whenever something happened to the child, you seemed to have a premonition. One time, chú Hùng carried the child over to play at his house, then a few hours later, he ran over to get the child's shirt. So you guessed something had happened, you quickly brought the child's shirt and ran over immediately. It turned out our child had fallen, hitting their head on the chair arm and bleeding. You were frantic with worry, but then the child was fine, the light wound healed a few days later. In the summer of Tân Tỵ, our child was then just over three months old, you and the child went up to Tam-Đảo. I went with you, and when climbing the stone steps, I carried the child and went ahead, you slowly followed behind. We climbed over twenty stone steps, but the climate in Tam-Đảo made people not feel tired. Vĩnh-Yên was hot, but here it was cold and there was little rain. Seeing us arrive, Ba was overjoyed. Ba looked at his grandchild with a joyful expression.

70Printed page 70In Tam-Đảo, Ba took care of everything, especially the problem of buying milk for the child. During wartime, essential goods were limited, and finding milk for the child was a very difficult task for us. We went up to Tam-Đảo on Saturday morning, I stayed with you all Saturday, Sunday, then Monday morning I returned to Vĩnh-Yên early. It was cold, you were lying in the down blanket but still managed to get up and stand at the door watching me go down the stairs and reminded me to come up again on Saturday morning. It wasn't just in Tam-Đảo back then, later it was the same everywhere, whenever I left for something, you would always stand at the door watching me go, and when I returned I would always see you waiting. Now where are you anymore! When I leave, who will stand at the door watching me go, and every time I return from afar, who will be waiting! And you, in the cold, desolate underworld, you must miss it very much, the days we lived together!

71Printed page 71The earth doesn't bury people, how can I send flesh and bones?

All summer, every Saturday morning I would go up to you, so that on Monday I would return to Vĩnh-Yên very early. Arriving in Tam-Đảo, every time I would see you standing outside the door waiting expectantly. Meeting me, you excitedly showed off the child, how it ate, played, or if it had a fever or was sick. Then you told me about the things you had done, you showed off the shirt you had just finished knitting for the child, you showed off that you could eat rice to prove your abundant health... The two of us lived two full days together, sometimes we left the child and led each other to go play in the mountains, or we sat together under the sun to talk about nothing in particular... Our harmony made some people annoyed, but we didn't need to know about it, we only knew about the two of us.

You and the child stayed in Tam-Đảo until the end of summer. You told me the day you'd return, in Vĩnh-Yên I waited expectantly, then one afternoon, I came home from work, and you and the child were already at home. Your face was beaming, you smiled joyfully as if we had been separated for several years. That day we ate at home. It only made chị Sinh busy, but she was also happy to see us love each other. You often told me:

72Printed page 72"My sister and I were motherless orphans so we loved each other very much. Chị Sinh loved me very much and she often yielded to us. We took her clothes to wear, we took her money to spend. My dear, you lived the life of a motherless orphan, - How could you leave today and let your children fall into that situation. I also hope they love each other like you and your sister did in the past. Every time I see them looking at your picture, my heart truly aches! Returning from Tam-Đảo, Uyển also became healthier.

Everyone passed the child around wanting to hold it, but it was wary of strangers, at first it only clung to you or me.

We lived pleasant days together in Vĩnh-Yên, sometimes we would get angry with each other, but we only got angry because we loved each other too much.

Our child grew day by day and the bigger it got, the smarter it became, with many gestures that made us happy. You still remember when it learned to talk and walk, every evening we would bring it over to the neighbors' house to play with the bács, chús, and côs, we didn't use the words cậu and dì. Coming here it would sing badly, stomp its feet or do many tricks to entertain everyone. One day it stood in the middle of the sập, singing and stomping its feet, after singing a line, it made everyone clap. Anyone who didn't clap, it would ask: "Hey, why aren't you clapping?"

Thanks to the compassion of Heaven and Buddha, our child grew, becoming more knowledgeable. One day, you looked at the child and saw it reaching for a cup of water, its head already taller than the water table, you told me:

73Printed page 73"Look, our child has grown up already! Yes, it has grown up, and today it has become a person.

It cried so much when you died, and every day now it always misses you.

Not only it, but its children too. The two of them always mention Bà. Bê told me:

"Why is Bà gone for so long, Ông? Bà loves us two, Bà makes cakes for us two to eat."

And Bi too, he always stands in front of your altar, bows and says:

Bi, oh Mom, Mom, come home and make cakes for Bi to eat!

They don't know their Mom has died. In their innocent minds, there are still so many beautiful memories of Mom! Just like me, how could I ever forget the beautiful memories of you! Thinking about it, I get even angrier at Grall Hospital for letting you die! I don't understand why they didn't operate on you immediately.

The time we grew up, people, understood more.

It was 1943. Our child was three. You, at this time, because a civil servant's life wasn't prosperous, we opened an additional shop selling fabric and general goods, and luckily we were also assigned to sell fabric distributed by the government to the people. Thanks to this business, we were also well-off, but you had to work harder. Although there were helpers, you personally took care of all the main tasks. You still took care of me as when you were single, you still looked after our child as before we started the business, and you also had the additional task of always having to go collect goods in Hà-Nội. I remember most, the time you collected nearly twenty bales of fabric, you went alone, your belly was big, yet you were busy from start to finish, hiring people to weigh the fabric, carrying the fabric onto the train, and watching over the bales so they wouldn't be slashed by thieves. You were busy throughout the train journey. It's true that every time you arrived in Vĩnh-Yên, I would wait for you at the station, but all the heavy work of getting on and off the train, and looking after the goods on the train, was handled by you!

74Printed page 74At that time, there was also war, Japanese troops were stationed in Đông-Dương, Allied forces dropped bombs and shelled, especially targeting transportation routes and vehicles. During the day, trains didn't run, and there were only night trains! You were brave and worked hard on every trip to collect goods, but you were still cheerful, because the hardship made our lives more comfortable financially. Money flowed in, our family became cozier, and our care for our first child became even more meticulous.

On holidays, and even during breaks on working days, I helped you tear fabric into ready-to-sell pieces for buyers or with a few other tasks. You rewarded me with very delicious meals. I never forget the golden-fried Đằm Vạc carp, or the soup cooked with fish heads and tails, both delicious and rich. You paid great attention to my food and the children's food. From then until the day you died, you only wished to make new and delicious dishes for your husband and children to enjoy, and you yourself, during meals, often gave your portion to your husband and children. Even with seating at the dining table, you arranged places for your husband and children, and you only sat at the head of the table, in a corner next to me! Oh my God! You sacrificed your whole life for your husband and children, now that the children are starting to grow up, why did you rush to leave! Without you, who will I consult about raising the children? Who will help me plan their future! My dear, your opinions were always right, and the words you spoke about the children's marriages, now that you are gone, I see them as even more correct. That winter came, the year Quý-Mùi, a year when we were relatively comfortable financially, despite the fixed salary of a civil servant. Civil servants suffered, but we, husband and wife, were still happy thanks to your shop. At the end of that year, you gave birth to Hạnh. That was the 27th of the twelfth lunar month. There were only a few more days until Tết. You gave birth to Hạnh at the hour of Mùi, during the day, I took time off work to take you to the hospital with chị Sinh. Again, it was your previous bamboo basket with the clothes and diapers you had prepared for the child.

76Printed page 76You had a slightly more difficult birth with Hạnh than with Uyễn; she had a nuchal cord, so when she turned her head in your womb, it caused you pain. I remember, I stood beside you, watching you, from when you started labor until you gave birth. Through the pain, you tightly gripped me and grimaced, softly crying out:

"It hurts so much, dear!"

I caressed you, but the pain grew longer.

I encouraged you, you tried hard. Then you got onto the delivery table. You struggled and finally gave birth to Hạnh! The child had left the womb, suddenly I saw the midwife's face looking flustered. She told me:

"Your wife is hemorrhaging, let me save her first, I will take care of the baby later." I was worried, but the midwife, Bà Lê-kim-Thạch, a very experienced person in obstetrics, reassured me:

"Please stay calm, she will be fine, a few injections and she will recover!" I was flustered but didn't know what to do, so I just waited for the results of Bà Thạch's injections. She then said: "Her case is not too worrying, if there were any danger, there would be a doctor."

A few minutes later, she gave you two injections. She told me:

"Alright, the bleeding has stopped, she's fine. Now I'll take care of the baby."

77Printed page 77I looked at you and smiled, and you also smiled back.

You must have been very tired, but you tried to look cheerful to make me happy.

The midwife then turned to take care of Hạnh, - and luckily, both you and the baby were fine. I don't know what fate had in store, when Hạnh was born you were in danger, and raising her was even harder. When she had smallpox, the pox grew, a pus-filled pox spread into a large wound that seemed to go deep to the bone, you cleaned it for her every day, it took weeks to heal. Then another time she had diarrhea, she lay on your chest, her stool spread everywhere, wetting your whole body, yet you lay still, and whispered - "Let her sleep."

Not until she woke up did you bathe her and change her clothes. That time we worried so much. Around our street, three or four children had died from this diarrhea, how could we not worry. We worried even more when we couldn't buy medicine in Vĩnh-Yên, I had to go back to Hà-Nội to look for it. When I came back from Hà-Nội, luckily she had recovered, but at the same time I also heard that Bà Giáo Thọ's child on the same street had just died from this illness. I wonder if it was a children's cholera epidemic?

Then when she was three, she got a pimple on her temple, the pimple turned into a long, winding sore, lasting for months, you cleaned it and applied medicine day after day, until she finally recovered.

78Printed page 78Raising a child is truly a great effort, from one illness to another ailment, but then she grew up to be a person. Even when she grew up, you suffered many times because of her, especially when teaching her and she didn't listen! Then this year, when she was 27, her marriage was arranged. You meticulously arranged everything for her, from the engagement day to the wedding day. All the money you had, you poured into her. You saw a beautiful ring, thought about buying it, but then stopped and said:

"No, save the money for her!"

You worried about her until the wedding day, like renting a house, paying a deposit for the house, buying a bed, mattress, blankets, pillows for her — nothing was missing.

The 12th of November, which is December 20, 1969, was the official day of her wedding. How many times you and I discussed her wedding, how to invite relatives and guests, and you put in so much effort to prepare the feast for the guests. You wanted me to look good, and for her to be completely happy. You would be proud of your meticulous care for her. On the morning of the tenth, you still went to the market to buy more food, your face was still fresh as a flower, those who met you that morning still remember everything you said.

Coming back from the market, you complained of being tired, you passed black stool, and vomited a little black blood. That very afternoon I took you to Grall Hospital after Anh Tuyên informed me that you had a ruptured blood vessel in your stomach. When you left home, you didn't know that leaving meant bidding farewell to our home. The home you created, and this house also because of you! When you entered the hospital, you were still clear-headed and healthy, who would have thought you would die two days later! Lying in the hospital, you still worried about her wedding. You instructed Chị Sinh about everything, what needed to be done, and asked Chị Sinh to take your place at her wedding.

79Printed page 79It's truly heartbreaking, my dear! You took care of her wedding day, yet you couldn't witness her wedding! I still remember very clearly your words, on Friday morning, when I visited you. You told Sơn, Hạnh's fiancé:

"You children just go home and be happy! Mother is fine!"

And you also urged me to go home and look after the children. How unexpected! At two o'clock that afternoon, you became ill again, and I came back to you. They took you up to the cold room to wait for surgery, but then they didn't operate! So her wedding was at home, without you, and also without me, I was at the hospital with you, how could I leave you. I waited, listening for news of your condition every minute, every now and then I would sneak in to look at you! Blood was still flowing, saline was still going in, but you were truly tired † TS. That evening, the party at home was without both of us; even the next morning, her wedding day, we had to rely on the aunts and uncles! Chị Bảo helped us a lot and personally spread the bed sheets for the children so they would have good luck. Her wedding in the morning, in the afternoon you departed forever from this life! My dear, do you know now that I am in pain! Fate is truly strange! When Hạnh was born, you almost died from hemorrhage, then when she got married, you died from hemorrhage! .ònn SN: siể..s. My CC... - Ễ ng ý" san n h6. : | TH HỆ I2 7) 1/77 1953/ tần nhật c32 cán, F:

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