Life gradually stabilized and the final memoriesPart XI · pages 154–168

154Printed page 154Days and months passed, our lives became less difficult, debts also decreased nợ nần cũng bớt mặc đầu I went through 6 months of unemployment. Time slowly passed, our children grew up day by day. The following year, our daughter Uyễn passed the first part of her bachelor's degree and she kept progressing, our daughter Hạnh and thằng Tuần also passed their Tú-tài the year after that. I no longer worked at the Ministry of Social Affairs, I transferred to work at the Tổng Nha Thuế-vụ as soon as I returned to work. Remembering that year, I worked in the phòng Điện-Cơ, everything was strange to me, so every evening after work I had stories to tell you.

For several years straight, our family life was very peaceful, perhaps all the hardships had passed † ˆ Then came the year Quý-Mão, my zodiac year. We were a little worried: our destiny is difficult, in clashing years * we often encounter misfortunes! Like a bird hit by an arrow, seeing my tuôi year approaching, and it also being your clashing year, our worries were not unfounded.

Fortunately, the year Quý-Mão passed! Perhaps chứng ta had suffered too much, so by my tuôi year, Heaven and Buddha took pity and did not make us endure any more đau khô.

155Printed page 155At the end of that year, there was a coup d'état overthrowing the Ngô-đình-Diệm government. This time, during the coup, I still went to work, said nothing, and showed no attitude. Whether the coup succeeded or failed, that was the business of politicians! Ngô-đình-Diệm was overthrown, the dictatorial family rule policy was no more. Everyone rejoiced, awaiting good days, but to this day, six years later, where have those good days arrived!

In 1965, at work, I met Nguyễn-đoãn-Vượng again, the former editor of Trung Bắc Chủ nhật newspaper, whom I had known since I was in Vĩnh-Yên, meaning exactly 20 years ago; I also had the địp gặp writer Lãng Nhân. Both of them managed Kim-Lai ẩn-quán and the Nam-Chỉ tùng thư publishing house.

Lãng Nhân and Nguyễn-doãn-Vượng helped me publish the book Nếp cũ CON NGƯỜI VIỆT- NAM. The book was a success for me, it was well-received, and because of it, meaning because of bai anh Lãng Nhân and Nguyễn-Doãn-Vượng, I continued to write and was able to publish many other books of the same kind.

In 1965, I left the Tax Department to work at the Ministry of Information until today. The work now suits me very well, overseeing the Library, I have time to read many books.

156Printed page 156In 1966, chứng ta married off cơn Uyển. She had completed her Bachelor of Law and was working as an Inspector at the Ministry of Labor.

For her wedding, you worked hard, but both of us were happy. Our children had grown up and | we had begun to build a future for each of them.

Then our daughter Hạnh, thằng Dũng also passed Tú-tài H. Our daughter Hạnh went to work at the Ngân-khố, while thẳng Dũng entered Medical School. We were only a little sad because of thẳng Tuấn, he neglected his studies, đua anh em chơi bời, unaware of his parents' care and worry.

He dropped out of school to play, but I still went to school every month to pay tuition! Until the day ?4Y, he still didn't have a complete Tú-tài certificate, and that's why he had to enlist, going to a combat unit stationed in Bình-Đương. You always loved him, every time he came home to visit you would take care of him, making food and cakes, but when he came home, he was busy going out with friends, he almost didn't pay attention to his mother's care, the food and cakes you made, he wouldn't come home for meals, everyone would bring them out + eat, even if there was a portion left for him, he would only glance at it! And every time he left, you always had to give him extra money! Your maternal love for our children was truly boundless!

Do you remember, when Tuấn was hit by a car and broke his leg, I was angry at him for being idle and playing around, neglecting his studies, I didn't even bother to look at him, it was you who struggled and toiled, going to the hospital to care for him, waiting for him to get his cast done, then you brought him home to nurse and attend to him until he recovered. How could he have known the vastness of a Mother's heart, a Mother's love! He was still busy competing with his siblings and playing around, and once the wound healed, he went back to his old ways until the day he had to enlist! Perhaps today he regrets it, he has realized his Mother's care but rrte she is no longer here, his Mother has become a person of the ancient heavens! He misses you very much. I have caught him crying many times. He bowed his head at Mother's altar, standing silently!

157Printed page 157My dear, if you hadn't died, perhaps this year we would have started a family for him. He had brought his beloved home for you to see and you also approved. You are dead now, what else is there! If only, if you couldn't live long with me, Heaven had granted you another year and a half of life, we would have found a wife for our son, you would have had a grandchild before bidding farewell to this life! Heaven was truly cruel, making you die just when you were loving life, and when our family happiness was complete!

I understand, your last words to me, you loved life so dearly, and it was truly painful, when you had to leave your husband, abandon your children to go: to the other side of the world! You loved your husband, you loved your children! When our daughter Uyễn was arrested for being a Buddhist student during the time of .

Ngô-đình-Diệm, you also struggled, hurried, worrying here and there. You went all the way to the prison to visit our daughter, and when you received news of her, you were overjoyed. You went to see fortune-tellers, had horoscopes read for our daughter, no matter what anyone said, you weren't at ease, until our daughter returned, then joy returned to your face. You cried a lot, cried at night, cried during the day, you only worried that our daughter would be interrogated and beaten! Fortunately for our family, our daughter did not suffer the cruelties that those arrested under Ngô-đình-Diệm l often had to endure.

158Printed page 158Again, when Đạt fell and broke his arm at the age of _ bến, it was again you who took our child to every doctor and public hospital, and when I returned and learned of it, you had already brought our child home from the Children's Hospital.

That evening, our child cried out in pain, bai we both took our child back to the hospital so they could loosen the cast a bit to prevent blood congestion.

Every time a child was sick, you worried, you took care of their medicine. If any child was gone for a long time, you would get anxious, making their older siblings go look for them, until they came home, then you would be at ease. You often said:

- Now there are so many kidnappings, so many traffic accidents, how can I not worry when they don't come home on time!

You worried about our children but they were truly careless: nhởn : nhơ có biểu đâu a Mother's fear! Accidents in Saigòn were frequent, especially since the Americans arrived, they relied on being citizens of a country providing aid to Việt-Nam, they drove recklessly, ran people over and left, only heartless mothers wouldn't worry about their children! Your worries were justified, because our children — xxx Tï Tãmđm.—w—..vẽ1d one of them was hit by a car, mostly lightly, but enough to cause scrapes and injuries. The most severe hit was Nga, who fainted on December 2, 1969. Was the Year of the Rooster her unlucky year, a year she was hit by a car five times. The time she was hit on December 2, 1969, she was unconscious for over two hours, you yourself struggled because of her, you went to the hospital with our child at Chợ Rẫy Hospital.

159Printed page 159It was on this occasion that you became disgusted with Vietnamese hospitals because of the attitude of the staff as well as their carelessness. Only because of fear of Vietnamese hospitals, 16 days later, when you fell ill, I took you to Grall Hospital, little did I know that Grall Hospital itself killed you, they should have operated on you immediately, they didn't care about you, even though you were bleeding profusely. Then when you were near death, they finally thought of operating. A blood vessel ruptured, bleeding continuously for two days from Thursday the 18th to Saturday the 20th of November, 1969, one wonders who could endure such a thing. The doctors at Grall Hospital were truly murderers with degrees Í You took our daughter Nga to Chợ Rẫy Hospital, you stayed with her all day, until the next day, you ¬ brought her home when the doctor allowed it!

Little did you know that this time caring for our child was the ì last time, because just over half a month later you were no longer with us.

You died, leaving behind sorrow for me alone and making all our children bewildered, crying for Mother!

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161Printed page 161— I truly believe it was you, wise in life and sacred in death, you always loved our children, and wouldn't the children's misfortunes always make you worry!

Back to 1966. From that year until the day you died, there were only a little over three years left, you had no idea you were nearing the end of your life, did you, my dear.

That year was the Đinh-Mùi year, our family life was relatively comfortable, our debts were gone.

At the end of that year, Uyên gave birth to her first child. We became grandparents.

After giving birth, Uyên and her husband came to live with us, mainly so you could take care of their child. You were overjoyed looking after the first grandchild. Her name is Thư-Uyên, but at home we called her Bê.

At that time you were having dental work done, every few days you would go to the doctor, but then busy looking after Bê, you left your dental treatment unfinished.

You had struggled raising eleven children, and now you struggled again raising a grandchild. You looked after the grandchild very carefully, and she clung to you more than her own mother. Before, how worried you were when raising children, now raising a grandchild you were just as worried. The weather turned a bit cold, you knitted her an egg-yolk colored wool sweater; even now, night after night, she still wears it and she herself knows it's Grandma's knitted sweater. She likes wearing this sweater more than any other.

162Printed page 162Gradually she learned to walk and talk, we rejoiced every time she learned something new, just like when we raised our children. And every early morning, I also woke up to prepare a bottle of milk for our grandchild, just like when we first had her mother.

Occasionally her parents would take her to visit her paternal grandparents, but all her affection was reserved for her maternal grandparents, especially her maternal grandmother, her maternal grandmother stayed up night after night, because she endured all the hardships of raising a newborn. Truly, as the old folks say:

Paternal grandmother's grandchild, maternal grandmother's burden.

The most difficult and busy times were when there was no help. Ever since the Americans came, it was very hard to hire help, wages were high, and they often asked for small breaks. Without help, you alone had to manage everything, looking after the house, cooking, and watching the small grandchild. The children, the older ones went to work, and the younger ones went to school, so there was no one at home, you only assigned them light tasks, while you took on all the heavy work yourself. Sometimes you also felt: you were tired, but you didn't mind. You still told me:

— I don't mind working, I just hope our children are well-behaved and love their parents.

163Printed page 163You loved your children, you wanted them to be well-behaved and love their parents back. In truth, our children weren't that bad, and now that you're gone, they have suffered, they have always loved their parents as you wished. The older the children, the greater their love. Some stood silently for a long time in front of your altar. Seeing the children look at their mother's picture, I felt even more pain.

You endured so much hardship, but for the happiness of the family, for the happiness of the children, you disregarded all hardship. You took care of household chores very thoroughly, and often you did jobs yourself that were not a housewife's work, jobs that were truly heavy or required the skill of specialized craftsmen. You did them yourself to reduce family expenses, to have more money to buy food for the children Ì Not to mention cooking delicious meals and mending and sewing, you were skillful, from needlework to knitting, embroidery, you were proficient at everything * even other crafts that very few people would do like you. Cleaning up, sweeping the house, you even swept a long stretch of the residential area's road, today when they mention you, the neighbors still talk about it. Your image carrying a bucket of water to water plants is still deeply imprinted in many people's minds. The flower garden in front of the house, how beautifully you arranged it!

164Printed page 164There were many other jobs, no one could imagine a person like you, who was elegant and polite when going out, but at home did all the work of a laborer herself, whether there was help or not.

I still remember, one year when Tết came, you called workers to bargain for whitewashing the house, they asked for 2,000 to just whitewash one living room. That amount was too expensive and for our thrifty family, this was also a large sum of money!

You didn't hire them, and you sent the children to buy lime and paint. You and the children whitewashed and painted all the doors and the house, only spending 600$. You were happy to show me the work of you and the children. Then there was the cement yard in front of the house, hr you alone, you paved the entire yard! Your work was just as good as that of a professional craftsman!

I also remember the times you tinkered with pots and pans that had holes or broken handles, you used bicycle fenders and old aluminum pieces to solder the holes, to mend the broken handles! Your pot soldering, compared to professional craftsmen, was probably no less skilled! :

You did everything, and you were eager to do everything. You found joy in work, found : joy in your success, even if these were just small successes within the family!

Early in the year Kỷ-Dậu, ten months before you died, one evening after coming home from work, I bought a few baby chicks to raise for fun, the flock of chickens looked truly adorable.

165Printed page 165I brought the chickens home, you asked me :

- Do you like raising chickens? I'll build a coop.

You built a real chicken coop, the coop looked no worse than a bought one, even though you „ only had leftover wood scraps accumulated. You used a saw, a hammer, and the tools of thằng Hùng who was studying at Kỹ-thuật Cao-Thắng school to build this chicken coop; you toiled all day, scraping your hands and feet. When the chicken coop was finished, you built a second one, and you bought a few more large chickens to raise. After finishing the two chicken coops, you were satisfied with your work, work you were passionate about, like being passionate about a hobby Ì You didn't shy away from any work, including jobs that made your hands and feet dirty, when it was family work, done for your husband and children to benefit from, done to save for our meager fund.

Half a month before you died, you personally repaired . the toilet yourself. The toilet was cracked and broken, a foul smell rose up, and no worker came by after a long wait. You told the children not : to fix it, one evening you fixed it yourself, you closed - the toilet door, kept everyone out, then you busied yourself with a bag of cement, you soldered, you plastered, the next morning the toilet hole was intact and clean as new. Your work is still there, where is your image today! Everywhere bears your hand, everywhere is your memory, everything remains, only you, you have passed away! Everything reminds me of you, reminds me of our shared life. We shared joys and sorrows, endured hardships together, today in old age, I need you, ' heaven cruelly took you away, leaving me alone, living amidst our loving memories. If a person's life only has two periods when husband and wife love each other most deeply, when newly married and when growing old, then my dear, today I am starting to grow old, my teeth are starting to weaken, the hair on my head has turned gray, and you are no longer here! It's not that I'm selfish, hoping you're still here to pamper me, but for you to be here so we can pamper each other, so old age can be joyful.

166Printed page 166Where are the times you made cakes, the first cakes you always gave me to taste, and when I praised them, you often smiled and said :

- You truly don't know the taste, you'll praise anything. , Where are the children's birthdays, when you k made cakes for them, where are the times, whenever there was seasonal produce, you bought it to offer incense, then épanh ˆ ate. I and the children ate, but you, you often abstained, you were happy when you could buy delicious food for your husband and children to eat. - l Many times you moved me, I cherished your gestures immensely. About less than a month before you died, watermelon season began. You bought a watermelon, and after a morning meal, you cut it up and shared it with everyone. Our family was large, how could one „ watermelon be enough. I saved my portion and told you to eat, you said you were feeling weak and didn't dare . eat watermelon. Then, after sharing all the watermelon with your husband, children, and grandchildren, and everyone had finished eating, you sat and cut the parts of the melon flesh stuck to the rind to eat. I blamed you for not eating half with me, you shook your head and smiled :

167Printed page 167- The first of the season is for you to eat, then later when I go to the market I'll buy more for myself to eat Ì That "later" never came, because although you went to the market, you forgot to buy watermelon, you only thought of other dishes for me, the children, and the grandchildren, you never thought of yourself at all. You were truly like my mother in the past, my mother's whole life was also dedicated to sacrificing for her husband and children, completely forgetting herself. You lived with my mother, you understood my mother : me, when my mother died, we didn't meet, because of the chaos my mother died during resettlement all the way in Gốc- ` Sộp, Thái-Nguyên province. My mother died, also leaving behind a few young children, con Hồng and con Thập, just like you today, leaving me thằng Định, con Châu and thằng Đạt. When my mother was about to die, she entrusted the older siblings to look after them! You didn't entrust anything to me, but your love for the children, I understood, I will vow to look after them as if you were still alive, though my care will never be equal to yours. You loved children who lost their mothers, now those children are your own, how deep | your compassion must be! I understand so much, my dear Ï l I wonder if it was a bad omen? Suddenly | you talked to cô Tâm, con Uyễn's friend, more than a week before you died about children who lost their parents, and you recounted your own situation. You told cô Tâm : _- I lost my mother, so I really pity children who lost their mothers!

168Printed page 168You loved your children, yet you couldn't raise them until they grew up. Thinking about it, I get even angrier at Bệnh-viện Grall for letting you die, when with timely surgery you could have been saved!

You loved our children, you loved our grandchild too. Bê grew bigger every day, she was always clinging to you, you often called her grandma's tail. When I went to work, and everyone else was out, it was just the two of you, grandma and grandchild, du-dim | with each other at home. And whenever you went out, she would wait at home "

wait, and when you came home she would cheer with joy like exploding firecrackers. A friend of ours, Mr. Trạch, seeing this scene, exclaimed in praise:

Even if you get tired early, it's still a joy. When grandma comes home from somewhere, she cheers like firecrackers!

When she was sulking, no one could comfort her, only when grandma comforted her would she stop crying immediately. Many times, she wouldn't hold the milk bottle no matter who offered it, only when grandma offered it, she would hold it and eat happily.

If you wanted to go somewhere, you had to tell her, and there were evenings when she would wait for grandma to come home before she would go to sleep! l Where is grandma now, she still remembers you, and she still mentions you. Every time she mentions you, I cannot hold back my emotion!

Once when I went to visit your grave, she knew, and she said:

Grandpa is going with grandma, huh! Grandpa, tell grandma to come play with the two of us for a bit, Bê and Bi miss grandma very much!

My dear, have you hurt me dry yet? _ That year's Tết, Tết Mậu-Thân, our child Uyễn and her husband l ._ went to her husband's family home for Tết and left Bê with us.