Recalling the first meeting and speaking with mother.Part I · pages 8–21

8Printed page 8You left in pain, bidding farewell to your husband and children, từ chẳu đại, I am left behind in deep sorrow, regretting your virtues, remembering your face. You died on the evening of the 12th of our lunar November, which is December 20, 1969, having only lived 46 years.

If only Heaven had let you live three more years, so that I could live with you for a few leisurely years, seeing the results of the work we put into raising our children.

You toiled for decades raising our children, now they have grown up, several of them are about to achieve success in their studies, why did you have to leave?

Eleven children, two sons-in-law, and two grandchildren.

They cried a lot from the moment you left, right there in Grall Hospital. Even today they are still crying, and the little ones often look bewildered, not realizing their mother is gone! And the two grandchildren always ask for grandma, perhaps they will keep asking until their memory no longer faintly recalls her image! The house without you is like being without everything! Everywhere there are still your memories, your efforts for your husband and children. The desk I am writing at right now, you yourself arranged it, the clock hanging in front of me was also placed by your hand. Everything, everywhere, is all you. All household chores, from big to small, I entrusted to you, and you handled them perfectly, and even our children, some of whom have become good people today, are also due to your skillful care.

9Printed page 9Yet you left me, how can my heart not be filled with sorrow!

We got married on the tenth day of the eighth lunar month in the year Kỷ Mão, which is September 19, 1939. That year you were sixteen, I was twenty-five. Your birth year was Giáp Tý, mine Ất Mão, the two years are truly incompatible, but we truly loved each other. Some said that marrying in a Kim Lâu year would bring many misfortunes later, and they also added, how can a Rat and a Cat live together? And just about twenty days ago when we read the book Căn Duyên Tiền Định, we also saw that our match was recorded in the book as Tuyệt Mạng! Is it then that our living together for over 30 years was thanks to our good karma and due to Heaven's compassion and Buddha's protection?

The year I met you, you were 15 years old, studying at the provincial girls' school in Vĩnh Yên. Your figure was graceful and soft. Your face was gentle and lovely, your eyes sparkling like stars! Seeing you, I felt so much affection for you. One time I met you, I wanted to call you back, I quickened my steps to get ahead of you, But lẾ #iáo tìuh-hhó 1ã tiệt standards for boys and girls to maintain ancestral family traditions, I didn't have JẢÌAẠNNLNGNNNNAARAéxsseemmmm=m=m—=m...ẳảẳâẳằễẼễỄẮĂ....Ă.mmT._> the right to flirt with your modesty.

10Printed page 10I only saw your face clearly when you stepped onto the house's porch, turning to look back, luckily my eyes met yours. Unexpected, wasn't it?

When I first transferred from Thái Bình to work in Vĩnh Yên, I didn't see you. Later, after we got married, you told me, and I then learned that you were on summer vacation in Nam Định at that time. Was it fate, was it destiny! We must have been destined to marry so that today we would bid farewell, one in the mortal world, one in the realm of shadows. Arriving in Vĩnh Yên, I didn't know anyone except Mr. Tắn at the Court. I stayed temporarily at Mr. Tần's house for a few days, then, through Mr. Tắn's introduction, I went to eat monthly meals at Uncle Tình's house, who at that time had not yet married Miss Chung, your half-sister (different father and different mother)!

After a few weeks in Vĩnh Yên, I fell ill and had to be treated at the provincial hospital. While in the hospital, I was so thirsty! No one from Uncle Tình's house came in, so I asked Ngọc, a boy about 14 years old who served in the hospital rooms, to go to Uncle Tình's house and ask for a pot of water for me. It was a strange coincidence, I told him house number 39 Lô Mê street, but he went straight to your house, number 19 on the same street, to ask. It wasn't until Hùng came in that I realized he had made a mistake, I had to apologize, but perhaps Ngọc's mistake __ foreshadowed our life together as a couple! We have recalled this story so many times together. Seeing this strange mistake, at home, grandmother and everyone thought it was intentional on my part, and also thought that I ._ had paid attention to chị Sinh or cô Nội, warning the two of them to be careful, no one mentioned you because you were still too „ young † __ After we got married, you knew that I had only paid attention to you ˆ right from the first time I saw you. Please recall the poem I wrote after I had offered the betel quid:

11Printed page 11KNOWING YOU THAT YEAR Knew you that year at fifteen, Fresh as a silken moon on the full moon day!

A girl student from the provincial school, Many young men still secretly loved her.

Young men followed me, - Each time I passed, hidden behind the screen, | You stood like a flower in a delicate setting, - Gently your áo's hem swayed.

- Those evenings when the wind rose, My heart fluttered at the sight of the fairy, I wished to live by the beautiful one, ` the scene of paradise was very gentle and clear.

12Printed page 12Not long after knowing you, I came and asked to offer a betel quid.

Grandmother said you were too young!

But never mind, the young couple already loved each other!

Absent from school, the teacher missed you, - - The classroom was less joyful, cold as winter. - -___ Tired of asking, the friends vied to answer:

- She, teacher, is about to get married! :

You see! How I dreamed of you before we married, and after we married, how passionate and deep our love was! In joy and sorrow, we always cherished and loved each other, and when separated during days of turmoil, when evacuating, we always thought of each other. We worked hard together to build our family's happiness, and we lived peacefully together with our children growing in number, making our family more bustling and joyful. ._ The poem above, twenty years later, in 1958, when we had migrated to Saigon, one day I reread it, - ._ before our deep and undying love, I wrote .another poem TWENTY YEARS GONE BY: ° Today, I reread the flower poetry collection, | Twenty long years truly passed quickly!

Memories remain intact as if new, | Our love is still deep, not yet old.

13Printed page 13The image of days gone by, though changed, Sometimes regretting our innocent youth, | Sometimes remembering our honeymoon, Those passionate moments and still passionate I Now, our young children cling to us, - Our love, precious as pearls and jade, like a dream.

Chirping, talking, laughing, playing mischievously, ‹ The melody of happiness fills the silken path.

Changes, sorrowful máy cuộc rỗi, Ups and downs many times, experienced many places, After the storms, the sky is clear and beautiful, Singing, walking through hardships to joy.

My hair is flecked with gray, where is your youthful beauty? Your beauty of yesteryear, where is it? Our cozy home, like mandarin ducks, blessed by heaven, Happily, we look at each other again.

We loved each other strongly, lived together with tender passion as days and months passed!

Twenty years later, then thirty years later, always . we still cherished each other as on our wedding day.

Our children, like a port, tied us even closer together, and when we looked at them, we looked at each other with contentment, although in many periods we struggled, worried about life, and were in debt, but in all circumstances, we never tormented each other.

14Printed page 14Until this year, we have been married for thirty years, our deep affection has not changed. The older we got, the more we indulged each other, and in this indulgence, we also added mutual respect. Wherever I came back from, the first thing was to find you, and wherever you came back from, the first thing was to ask the children "Where's Dad?". Many times I sat upstairs, you came home, I pretended not to know, and right after asking "Where's Dad?", you rushed upstairs to find me. What was the point of finding me, just to ask: Aren't you going out? Or you came home early today, didn't you? That's all, but how much we understood each other! But my dear, just when I was getting older, needing you by my side, you died. You left me at 46 years old, leaving me so many memories, so much sorrow, leaving the children with longing, remembering your tenderness, regretting your care and nurturing.

Writing down memories of the days we lived together, my heart aches as if cut, and one stroke of the pen is one .

longing for you.

My dear, how can I forget, the first time I saw your face!

That day, a late autumn day, the weather started to get very cold, I was coming home from work, passing by your house, I briefly saw the figure of a pretty little girl, wearing a white blouse, with a short-sleeved blue wool sweater over it. The girl looked truly charming, her eyes were very bright, her lips very fresh, - and her cheeks were flushed pink from the cold. I looked at the girl from afar, when I got closer to the house, she looked up, __ saw me and retreated into the house. That girl was you, my virtuous wife later on. From that day on, your image began to be imprinted in my mind, I inquired about your family and learned that you were a female student at the provincial school in Vĩnh Yên.

15Printed page 15Having come to work in Vĩnh Yên, it had been almost six months, when I first saw a beautiful person, and this beautiful person, later I would get to live together with, how happy that was! Your friends said you were the beauty queen of Vĩnh Yên, I also noticed, and your image was etched deeper into my heart, this image I will keep forever with your fresh smiles, with your loving gazes when we lived together.

But my dear, where are you now, the sun still - rises, the apricot tree in front of the house still blooms every year, but you, _you have departed, forever farewell with me! When will I meet . you again? In the underworld, please try to wait for me. I will strive to raise our children to become good people, then I will follow you. _ How bitter it is to say, and how cruel and ironic fate is! After I knew you, I pursued you, but only 'ïnraanaartrttrrtt.HITTTTREKXXN pursued you in my thoughts, for months or standing waiting to watch you pass by. In a small province, customs were restrictive, and my heart had decided to build a life together with you, so even though I was deeply in love with you, I always maintained the demeanor of an educated young man and I respected you, respected your modesty. You lived in a family with strict customs, loving you, I increasingly maintained ˆ ._ never having any casual behavior, and I _ also wanted you to understand my heart. I knew your family was strict, they valued you, I had to keep myself. However, there was one time I was a bit casual with you but this casualness was not excessive! Do you remember, that time you went to Uncle Cơ's house, passing by my house. And your school friends, Yên and — Lợi, these girls often came to ask me for lessons in the evening, 'seeing you pass by, they told me clearly and urged me to take a picture.

16Printed page 16I listened to them, and the two girls pretended to talk to you so I could conveniently watch you and take pictures. I took five or seven photos, but none of them clearly showed your face, because seeing my shadow briefly, you understood, you tried every way to cover your face or turn away. I couldn't get a clear picture of your face, but I got your silhouette, and I was quite satisfied. Back then, I always called you my Fairy:

My heart fluttered at the sight of the Fairy! nhatbook.com dự These photos, after we got married, I showed them to you, and you laughed, how charmingly you laughed, so lovingly!

17Printed page 17My Fairy! Miss Yên and Miss Lợi, whenever they saw me lost in thought, they often said: s.c - He's dreaming of the Fairy!

They were right because from the day I knew you, if there was an image of a young woman always lingering in my mind, that was your image, the image of my Fairy.

I remember one time, at that time it seemed we . had already had the betel quid engagement, Chu, my friend from Hà Nội, came to visit, and while we were out walking on Vĩnh Thịnh street, he met you. That day you were wearing a blue shirt, your hair hung loosely down your back, you looked truly gentle and obedient. Chu looked at you. I didn't introduce him because according to the customs of that time, even though we had already had the betel quid engagement, we had never spoken to each other. Each time I came to the house *.._ wanting to visit you, you glanced, empathizing with me | -with your eyes, then you went inside the house. I wanted ` to go in and find you to say a few words, but grandmother called me back! The elders' strictness with their grandchildren actually had its own reasons: They wanted us to be completely free to talk to each other only when we were husband and wife, in order to maintain the complete respect of both sides for each other until the most sacred moment in the life of — a loving couple. ___ Chu looked at you carefully, admiring everything from your hair, your eyes, to your gait, and then as you passed by, he spoke loudly, intending for you to hear:

18Printed page 18- The girls of Vĩnh - Yên are truly beautiful!

It was then that I told Mr. Chu that you were my fiancée! My heart was overjoyed, you had been praised by others as beautiful. And my you were truly beautiful, beautiful until today, until the moment you took your last breath in my arms, until the last look you gave me!

Time drifted by. I knew you but wasn't allowed to get to know you. Then came the wedding of Miss Chung, your half-sister. At this wedding, people joked with me:

- And Mr. Phán (I), when will you get married? You . want to marry whom, we'll be the matchmakers! .- I shyly replied, making it clear I was interested in you. Someone laughed at me, if I remember correctly, that person was Mrs. Thừa Oánh, Mrs. Thừa Oánh told me:

- He's joking! Is he marrying her to ` put her to bed in the evening? l -- She said that because she thought you were still a child. ` (†) A term referring to those who worked at the French Resident-Superior's Office, meaning the French provincial chief in Northern and Central Vietnam. You were only sixteen years old, sixteen by lunar calendar, meaning not yet fifteen years old! I was nine years older than you!

19Printed page 19Many people, like Mrs. Thừa Oánh, thought that we couldn't marry each other, our ages were too far apart, and especially they thought you were still too childish! : ` They forgot that, love doesn't need age, -And even though they were in Vĩnh-Yên, they also forgot that . before accepting my betel and areca, at home you had already accepted the betel and areca of young Vinh, son of Mr. Phán Cung, since you were 13 years old. You didn't like young Vinh, you refused and absolutely would not agree to be the daughter-in-law of Mr. Phán Cung, even though you were beaten black and blue by Ba.

Later you would occasionally remind me -__ of that story, I would always conclude: `... We are destined to be husband and wife!

Yes, we married because of destiny. And is it not also destiny that today you leave me with eleven children, five or six of whom are still innocent?

In those days, people considered you a child, but I, _ I saw that you had grown up, worthy of joining me in marriage, and we had become a couple. . _— We loved each other!

—— "Speaking of Chung's wedding, I remember the day you went to distribute wedding cakes."

I no longer lived with Uncle Tình, I worked with Đạt at the Vĩnh-Yên Court, we rented two houses together, each living on one side, and Đạt and his wife cooked for me, _— That day you went to distribute cakes. You gave Đạt's side sticky rice with roasted pork, but when you came to my house, you gave me green rice cakes and xu-xê cakes. You said it was a mistake, but I thought you had a purpose, because you already knew how much affection and longing I had for you anyway! How could Yên and Lợi avoid ` | telling you the things I asked about and praised about you.

20Printed page 20You shared cake with me, Ms. Đạt teased me. Outwardly I protested that teasing, but deep down I was very proud and happy because to some extent you had given me something more than others!

I had reason to be happy, you not only reserved the pair of cakes for me, later you dedicated your whole life to me. You dedicated your whole life to me, but today, our journey cut short, one in the living world, one in the realm of the dead, how much pain! Not a day went by that I didn't ask Ms. Yên and Ms. Lợi about you. Loving you, I was blind, constantly asking about you made them develop a dislike for you, and sometimes in conversation they cleverly inserted your bad habits! Those bad habits of yours, they didn't know, were still beautiful things, a beautiful person never has bad habits, I often thought so.

I remember one time, I was standing talking to cô Phao in front of her house, cô Phao's house was next to - -your house, you were inside the house, I looked at you and praised your beauty, and cô Phao also said:

21Printed page 21- She's truly beautiful! Beautiful with a Western beauty!

Another time, Sỹ from Hà Nội came to visit me, met you going to the market, and teased you, making your face flush red, which made you look even more beautiful. „ The truth is, from the day I first saw your face, until - I came to ask for your hand, the opportunities to meet you were very few . -but I never forgot your image. _ẨlI _— I went back to my hometown to visit my Grandparents, Teacher, and Mother. I talked to Mother about you. Mother said: