Evacuated life and family reunion in Hà Nội.Part VII · pages 95–109

95Printed page 95ộ "Evacuating, but I didn't dare return to Vĩnh-Yên, partly because the road was long and difficult, partly because I feared arrests and troubles. I went down to Tương-Mai with my brother Thúy and from Tương-Mai, I followed my brother Thúy's family to Hướng-Dương, Thường-tín district, Hà-Đông province. When I left, I, along with Thiên, the little boy who followed us from Vĩnh-Yên, only carried 800800. Leaving was to escape, leaving to avoid bombs and bullets, I also didn't know how to manage.

- In Hướng-Dương, I relied on my brother Thúy's family, and later, they lent me an additional 400800. I lived among strangers, but to get to know them, and because the villagers asked, I accepted to teach the village children. Alone in a strange land, _ living in a state of suspicion, everyone was a 'security agent' to investigate everyone, and everyone was a 'criminal', who could be accused of being a Việt-gian at any time, I was as terrified as everyone else, always mentally tense. Even in such circumstances, I did not forget you and the children. Your photograph that I carried was my only comfort, and I always thought of you, not knowing where you and the children were and how you were living. After about two months of evacuation, I sent Thiên to Vĩnh-Yên to find you. He promised to return, but the war spread, it was difficult for him to go up, let alone return. Fortunately, he met you and you knew my news. —, Later, when I returned, I found out. Thiên had delivered my letter to you while you were worried about me, not knowing if I was alive or dead. You gave him medicine to bring down to me, but the roads were blocked and he couldn't go, so he returned to inform you. You and the children also couldn't stay in Vĩnh-Yên for long. With the scorched-earth policy, Ba's house was completely destroyed, and the whole family moved to Hạc-Sơn hamlet. Here, you skillfully earned a living to raise the children, _ partly fortunately thanks to the tenants who farmed our land (they paid back rice), partly thanks to you going to the market diligently early and late. You also raised pigs and chickens, so our children were always well-fed.

96Printed page 96You recounted that when you first went to Vĩnh-Yên, you only had 400800 left, which someone took the rest of; at that time, there was no one else in the house, only Father, Mother, chị Sinh, em Tơ, and cô Thọ. With three small children on your hands, with a few hundred *bục* and urgent eyes, you were truly . scared; you had a little gold you sold to raise the children. Then the rice harvest came, you also didn't expect that the *tá-diễn* would come to you again to ask to submit rice. It was also Heaven and Buddha's blessing for you to have money to raise the children.

97Printed page 97In Hạc-Sơn hamlet, besides raising chickens and pigs, every day you went to the market, you dressed in rustic clothes, black pants, brown fabric shirt, carrying fabric to sell in all markets, far and near. If it was cheap, you bought; if you got a good price, you sold; some days you walked up to thirty kilometers, sometimes even more. It was hard but the three children had enough to eat; you only worried about me. The war spread further, you didn't know if I was alive or dead! The cruelest thing was that sometimes people came to visit Father and Mother, they fabricated stories, saying I was captured by the Việt-Minh and taken to Tuyên-Quang, with my head shaved bald. They even "benevolently" advised you to stay and raise the children and not wait for your husband, saying he would be killed sooner or later!

You absolutely didn't believe those fabrications, you — told them: "My husband went south, why would he go to Tuyên-Quang to be captured?"

You were right not to believe I was captured, how could one believe such baseless rumors, when Thiên himself had brought my letter from __ Hướng-Dương! You, not believing, that was your right. That was your trust in your husband, yet some people kept forcing you to believe that I .

98Printed page 98had been captured and killed. That person seemed resentful towards you, when you absolutely didn't believe the fabrications meant to create gossip, from those who wanted to get a meal, taking the opportunity to pass through Hạc-Sơn hamlet and using the excuse to visit Father. The resentful person blurted out: ". .__~ Her husband was captured, people told her, but she still doesn't believe! Oh, just wait!" You waited for me with the belief that we would reunite, and with that ready belief, you tried hard to go to the market to raise our three children. At the end of 1947, we reunited, husband and wife, children all together.

While you were trading, as well as when you were in the hamlet camp, - many men pursued you, but you only thought of me, and always spoke of me with great praise, to make those who pursued you understand that to you, no one was equal to your husband. Recalling old stories, today chị Sinh told me:

"She only praised her husband and always spoke of her husband!"

I understand, we loved each other dearly, - we also respected each other! We brought ˆ.

-to each other more than thirty years of happiness! Yet now, my dear, I am all alone! So many memories still remain! At the end of 1947, we reunited to live together in Hà-Nội. I returned first, I got my job back, so I sent people to inquire and look for you. Thanks to ông Quản Thăng's tip, I knew you were in Hạc-Sơn. I quickly hired someone to go pick you up; the first time they returned empty-handed, it was only on the second time that they met you.

99Printed page 99Upon receiving news of me, you rushed back to Hà-Nội, ˆ without caring if the messenger was trustworthy or not.

You believed, and your intuition told you, that person was indeed hired by me, and especially when they mentioned ông Quản Thăng.

Knowing about me, but how could you return to Hà-Nội with me, the road was nearly eighty kilometers, plus the Public Security blocked all roads, not wanting anyone to | -return! You had to say that I in the countryside was seriously ill to ask for permission to go to Bắc-Ninh for two days. Thanks to Heaven and Buddha's guidance, the provincial Public Security granted you a permit; with this permit, you went straight to Hà-Nội.

The road was eighty kilometers, with three small children on your hands; Uyển was just seven, Hạnh was four, and Tuấn was not yet two years old. You hired someone to carry the luggage, Hạnh rode on their back, while you carried Tuấn yourself. Uyển had to walk. After more than two days, mother and children arrived in Hà-Nội, following lỗi Bỏng, Bá. After the first day of covering over 50 kilometers, your feet swelled up, Uyển's feet also swelled up; you had to use oil to massage them, rested one night, to regain strength to continue the next day. You recounted that Uyển was also good at walking, she kept trailing behind you at a distance of about 15, 20 meters, she also loved to play, if she saw flowers she would pick them, and if she saw butterflies she would chase them!

100Printed page 100When mother and children arrived in Hà-Nội, ông Quản Thăng came directly to the office to inform me. So I quickly left the office and went to Yên-Phái to pick you up.

I brought a packet of Chocolat candy to give to the children when I met them. 4 Surely you haven't forgotten, it was almost Tết then, - -_ the weather was cold. You were sitting with the three children among the returning residents when I arrived. Your head was covered with a thin scarf, you wore a brown *áo tứ thân* and black pants.

When I first arrived, I didn't recognize you, you were looking down. Hearing my voice, you looked up! Oh my! Both of us were happy. Your eyes sparkled bright like stars, as for me, I didn't know how to express all my joy, and I could only utter two words: : — ~= Kia cm † - The children also looked, ah, You stood up. I carried Hạnh, talked with you for a while, after that I went to arrange for a travel permit for you to enter Hà-Nội.

You looked healthy, your skin was a bit wind-tanned, but your face was truly lovely.

- That afternoon, we arrived home – the house I had rented at 120 bịs Chanccaulme street. That evening, we had dinner at Mr. and Mrs. Nhụ's house, our old friends from Vĩnh-Yên, and that night we talked about countless things. Our house was very simple, that was the common state, but a cozy atmosphere came with your voice and laughter, with the children's calls of 'father' and 'mother'. That day of reunion, it's been more than twenty years now, but why does it still feel like yesterday! I can never forget our reunion moment, especially when I hadn't recognized you in Yên-Thái yet, I asked around, you looked up. The image of that country girl, though she already had three children, is still deeply imprinted in my mind, but now, where is that country girl? Before we were apart, we could still meet, but today, alas!

101Printed page 101Migrating south together, we thought we would grow old together, our hair turning white, our teeth falling out, who would have thought _ eternal farewell halfway! —, _, What did we say to each other on that reunion night, what did we tell each other about the time we were apart? So much longing, so many days waiting for each other, we were joyful, we embraced each other in the quilt, our breaths warmed each other's hearts, the days of the past year were just a terrifying dream. ._ The next day, while I was at work, you tidied up the house, With your skillful hands: the messy house became orderly and neat, the simple furnishings were arranged artistically. Like all new returnees, we didn't have much furniture, but with you, the few pieces of furniture, tables, chairs, beds, and platforms were arranged very elegantly, you skillfully hid everything that wasn't beautiful, making Mr. Nhụ surprised when he came to visit. x A _ And you also went to buy immediately the necessary bowls, plates, pots, and pans for daily meals. When I came home from work, I saw you busying yourself in the glowing kitchen fire, with a hot pot of soup, with the three children talking and laughing in the yard.

102Printed page 102You boasted to me: _~ "Well, we won't go to Mr. and Mrs. Nhụ's house for dinner anymore, I've bought everything to make dinner myself." _ I could only happily praise you, and you looked even more beautiful that day, more beautiful than the image of the country girl from the day before. Dressed in country style, you looked gentle, dressed in city style, you looked graceful.

That meal was truly delicious. I got to take care of the children again after a year of absence, just as you got to take care of me again. Seeing you hold the bowl and scoop rice for me, seeing you hold the spoon and feed the child, how soft and gentle your hands were.

We lived together frugally, a civil servant's salary wasn't much, but we endured all hardships. Then I went to enroll our two children, Uyên and Hạnh, in school.

Both children were accepted by Saint Paul school.

- Every day when I went to work, I took the two children to school, at home it was just you and little Tuấn. When you went to the market, you locked the door and left the child at home. Much later, we were able to hire help. Ộ Whenever I took the children to school, the three of us, father and children, all walked, you stood at the door watching us go, and every day, morning and evening; when the children and I came home, you were already standing at the door waiting. Little Tuấn was by your side.

103Printed page 103We were very poor, poor but happy.

-_ I didn't have enough money to buy a bicycle, even when it rained, I couldn't afford a raincoat.

For work, I wore a pair of Con Hổ brand rubber sandals, and my cold-weather clothes were just a secondhand outfit. As for you, you didn't have any jewelry, but you dressed skillfully, so you always looked elegant and well-off. I remember one rainy day I grumbled, you were sleeping, you looked up at me then quietly lay back down. Your gesture made me regretful, though I wasn't grumbling at you, I was grumbling because going to work in the rain meant getting wet and spending money on transport. Your look said so much! I quietly stood at the door waiting for a ride, but then the rain stopped, I turned back to look at you lying with little Tuấn before I walked away. _.. Living with me, you were truly happy little, suffered much, but — thinking back now, whether in hardship or in happiness, we always: cherished and loved each other.

The more we lacked, the more you loved your husband and children, and your life seemed to be only about two words: husband and children. .... You came back to me not long after, only about two months later, I fell seriously ill. That day I was at the office, suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I couldn't bear it, I vomited. Immediately I was taken to Yersin hospital and I asked someone to inform you.

104Printed page 104At the hospital after examination, I was given a few injections, my stomach was only a dull ache. I lay there worried, thinking of you, thinking of the children. | - -__ About two hours later, while I was drifting in and out of consciousness, my stomach pain waxing and waning, I heard your voice calling:

- Anh! Anh!

I opened my eyes and looked at you. Your eyes were glistening with tears, your face full of worry. I motioned for you to sit down by my bed. I said:

-= I have a pain in the ligament in my stomach, the doctor said it will go away if I take medicine. A moment ago I was in agony, __ but now it's du ˆ " You wiped away tears with a handkerchief and said:

- When I saw the soldier come back with the news, I was so scared. I quickly left the children at home, and came right up to you.

I calmed you down, letting you know that my condition was nothing to worry about. You sat with me for a long time, hesitant to leave, I had to mention the children | before you stood up, but I knew your heart was still busy __ worried about me, not understanding what my condition was like, — From then on, every day, twice a day, you Iang cơn into me, each time you had to coax the children. At this time we already had a helper, but the children | didn't want you to go anywhere, and you, you also didn't want to let the helper bring food to me.

105Printed page 105Then one day, you didn't come to me, the helper sister brought me food. She told me you had a cold. I understood, the previous time you got caught in the rain, coming to me: you already felt dizzy.

My condition at that time had improved a lot, I wanted to go home to you right away. I asked the doctor to discharge me, but the doctor refused.

- The next day you brought me food again.

I touched your hand and it was still warm, I asked, you replied that you were __ feeling better. In fact, you still had a fever. I told you I - was better, don't come anymore, I would go home.

That evening, the helper sister brought me food again, I understood you were still very tired. In fact, I was very restless. That very evening, I secretly went home from the doctor to visit you and stayed overnight at home. Perhaps seeing that I could sneak home, you were reassured that my illness had improved a lot, so you felt much better, and in the morning, you hurriedly woke up __ Sớm to make breakfast for me. I ate, you sat watching, ` 'I told you to eat with me, you shook your head and said you'd wait to eat with the children.

- Later I learned that you made eggs for me to eat with bread but you only ate sticky rice with the children. You were frugal because we weren't rich, you sacrificed everything for yourself to give to me and the children. _From then on, every afternoon I went home to you again, and _ ®m also didn't need to Iiang cơm to me anymore. A few days later, the doctor discharged me completely.

106Printed page 106You nursed your husband in the hospital, then you nursed your child. Not long after that, Tuấn fell and broke his arm, I took him to Doctor Huỳnh for treatment, but afterwards his arm didn't look straight, we had to take our child to the hospital again. Here, they reset his arm l and put it in a cast, he had to stay a few days in the hospital for observation.

Although there was an old wet nurse to care for the child, you yourself also stayed in the hospital to care for him, and every day the old wet nurse brought you food. You were also worried about our child just as you had been worried about me. Both of us were afraid his arm would become permanently disabled. Every noon, every afternoon after work, I went to visit our child, and we discussed all our worries together. Fortunately, our child didn't have to stay in the hospital for long, the doctor discharged him and scheduled a return date to remove the cast.

Whether your husband was sick or your child was in pain, your care | was always devoted, you always forgot yourself for your husband and children, no matter the circumstances. If our family _ needed to sacrifice anything, those sacrifices, | you always took upon yourself.

We lived together, not very abundantly with a civil servant's salary, but fortunately, sometimes _ there was a sum of retroactive pay, so we weren't in debt. Not long after, I applied for the bông to buy a bicycle. When we got the bông to buy the bike, we looked at each other, considering whether to buy it or not. We both agreed to buy it, but money! It was truly a difficult matter for us, even though the bicycle only cost 900$. In the end, we borrowed at 10% interest to buy the bike and had to borrow 1,000$00.

107Printed page 107- 1,000$00 was a lot back then, my entire monthly salary was only over 2,000§. We tried hard to get the bicycle, I would both go to work and carry the two children to school, then we would patiently and diligently save up to pay off the debt.

The bicycle was not worth much to others, but to us at that time it was truly precious.

Hanoi back then, how could there be many cars like today in Saigon, and what about motorcycles.

Only very occasionally would a Vespa run on the streets, the city was also quiet, not at all as crowded as Saigon.

I remember, when I brought the bicycle home, you looked at it very carefully, as if happy that from now on, when I went to work in the rain or sun, it would be less hard. With that bicycle, every afternoon I would carry Tuấn around for a ride. Seeing me carry our child, your face showed happiness, some afternoons, you would bring a bowl of rice to feed Tuấn, I would carry him on the bike from one end of the street to the other: each time passing our house I would stop so you could run out and feed our child a bite of rice. That beautiful scene, will it ever exist again today? We lived in scarcity, month after month worrying about paying installments for the bicycle, but we were content with our fate, we were happy with our circumstances and our family had happiness.

108Printed page 108That day, how strangely young and beautiful Inà you were. When you first returned from the rear, people in the neighborhood insisted you were my concubine, and all our children were my children from a previous marriage. Surely you haven't forgotten the words of Mrs. Phủ Khải, whose house was right in front of ours:

- "Mr. Tham has such a beautiful concubine at his door!"

— "Such a person would agree to be a concubine to raise several stepchildren."

Someone repeated this saying to us, it seemed to be Mrs. Thao-Thao. We laughed, and when the person who repeated it left, I teased you:

- "They are stepchildren, stepchildren but born from my wife, so what does my concubine think?" Our family scene was truly peaceful, although month after month we had to pay installments for my bicycle, we were a little sad. Sad because the salary was so little, and the interest was too heavy.

The first bicycle after we returned from resettlement was difficult for us to buy, but later when we did better financially, we bought another bicycle for you to use, the two of us with two bicycles side by side, we would go visit friends, or go for a ride to relieve fatigue! On those days, our children had someone to look after them, and each time both parents returned home, they would joyfully cheer from the doorway.

109Printed page 109Now, as our children grow more numerous, they still miss their mother, sometimes Uyến often recalls old memories, those old images are still intact, but my dear, when will I ever see the children cheering happily when you come home from somewhere, The more I resent fate, the sadder I become for my lot today, a single father raising children!

- "Sad for my fate, but I promise your spirit, I will try to take care of our children, look after them as if you were still alive!"